Boy, you're doing well with keeping upbeat and your eye on the goal. I think you need to get a blue ribbon for bravery!
I will comment on your observation that your W needs a close emotional connection, similar to that you find in a female friend.
Is that what the political OM gives her? Were you once the guy who was her best friend?
Triple J and I had a chat about this very subject yesterday, so it's still fresh in my mind.
I don't know if you read my earlier posts, but I was nearly a WAW myself. I elected not to run away because I realized that I still loved him, but wanted to change our M. He chose to leave...
Anyway, what I was missing (and still am) was having him for my best friend. Somewhere along the way he quit being my friend. I'm sure if I try and figure out why, it will become a chicken and egg scenario... however, I DID have with him what I have with other close female friends.
For me, it helped me solidify that deep emotional connection to him... I actually knew I was madly in love with him when he acted like my friend before he acted like my lover. And in the early years of our M (up to the birth of D10), he continued to treat me like an esteemed friend.
Some of us women feel cherished and valued when our men treat us as intelligent, warm, and deserving people as they are treating us like the women THEY desire. The combination can be heady.
Having kids can really put a damper on that effort. You devote your time to dealing with the inherent craziness they bring to your life together and then there's little left over for you and your spouse (I know that drill well).
I suspect that your W may be telling you the truth that she's not having a PA with political OM. But I also suspect that she is very much addicted to the type of friendship he has to offer her right now.
Which, BTW, means that there is always hope for you and your M. Because if you were this guy before knucklehead came along, you can be him once again.
Hearing your account of your D's accusation that her mom is mean to you brought back a very unpleasant memory of mine too. The fact is, I had been very angry with Mr. W. for several years--and he hid behind the kids to avoid it.
At some point, I didn't go for them, but I had to address him through them and it was ugly. (I really HATE thinking about this.) I was resentful and angry and most of all, hurt and rejected. It colored me to my daughters... and I remember D10 saying on occasion that I was mean to her dad.
Well, she wasn't mature enough to see that her Dad is a major conflict avoider and passive-aggressive.... but that didn't negate the person I had become.
I didn't decide to see things differently until the night he left--when D10 told me at the dinner table that I had become someone who was scary and who frightened her.
I promised her and myself that I would leave that person behind, and I did.
I suspect what your D observed is just a start in your W's own journey.
Keep up the amazing work on you, hold your head high and bend over here so I can give you a big hug.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
