Hi Merrick,
Ugh, my work LAN had problems on and off all day today ...
I can relate to the onslaught you are being bombarded with and I admire how you have been taking it in stride. You're doing great for yourself under very difficult circumstances. Keep validating what she says. This doesn't mean you are doormat or even agreeing with her point of view, but that you making an effort to reflect on what she says. When she insists of placing blame on you, try reply with slight variations of ... "I'm sorry you feel that way." Its not admission of agreement to her POV, but only that you are acknowledging her right to having such an opinion. When she continues to press for your input, keep to "I" statements like adding on ... "I'm sorry you feel that way ... but its just that I believe differently ... "
You're not gonna toss that ball of blame back ... right now no doubt it something she expects, but at the same time by coming back with "I" statements ... "I think ...", "It's my belief ...", "I feel ...", etc., will still get your point across in a way that deflects her anger and where she will remember what you say as she continue to ponder over it all.
For instance...
Quote: She says she can't understand how my seeing the kids for just a few hours a day during the week is preventing me from just going someplace else--that the kids will adjust and won't miss me.
The response could go something like this ... "How unfortunate it would be for the children that you feel they would not miss their father, but let me asure you, I would miss them terribly. Through all this, I have come to realize that my family really is the most important thing in my life and while I may have lost you, I still have a golden oppurtunity to become a very big part of their childhood. I feel every minute I can spend with them enriches my life and theirs. I hope you will come to see that too."
Quote: from Day One I have done the "Should I Stay or Should I Go" dance in my head
Don't leave the house until you have check all the legal angles!! In NY, if you leave the house without a seperation agreement, she can file for a D immediately with charges of abandonment otherwise she will have to wait a year with the sep agrmnt ... and for what I've read here, where the WAS asks their S to leave and they abide, most S's that left ended up regretting it. IMO, if she feels she can't work things out, she is gonna need to take action to "fix" it. If she feels she needs the seperation, she should make the arrangements to move out. If that is her choice, then don't intervene.
Shoot its gettin late ... so gotta go ...
'til later,
KAW
P.S. I forgot, I wanted to ask (If you don't midn me being so direct) ... there were a couple of references to you W feeling she was abandoned by you. This seems to be a big issue with her. Can you provide more details on that?
