Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[labug]

Hey gog, you're suddenly popular here! It's always good to get lots of viewpoints.

About your W's unrealistic expectations, I don't remember if those are her descriptive words or yours, but I would guess there were unrealistic expectations on both sides. We all have our unspoken needs and it's usually those that bring a R to its knees.

I wrote this over on Maybell's thread last week and may be helpful in gaining some understanding. Don't know if you're familiar with Steven Covey's 7 Habits but one of those is: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

I almost mentioned yesterday that you had the same thread for 4 days!

About your memory, the hurt you felt was real but maybe misplaced? When I look back, I know a lot of the resentments I held for so long were because of past hurts and abandonments. Things I carried with me that sprung up when something would trigger me. I had to heal that old stuff and be able to see myself as a whole person without the need for someone to "make" me whole, or validate me or "make" me OK. Only I could do that.

It's also about learning to recognize our needs and then be able to meet them. If we agree to something that's counter to our needs, we have only ourselves to hold accountable or we can make the agreement with our self that we won't hold resentment because we're making the decision for the greater good.

I had a terrible time having needs because I didn't think I was worthy of needs. What I "deserved" would come to me. Admitting needs was selfish and self-centered. In order to stay true to my story, if I couldn't state my needs it was up to others to figure them out and if they didn't, then I was hurt, angry, abandoned, resentful. It was a never-ending cycle.

But little by little I was able to break out of the cycle. I left the victim behind and began to understand that we all have needs and it's up to us to address those needs. It's our responsibility, we can't pin it on anyone else. Otherwise we become very unhappy people and unhappy people create unhappy Rs. We tell ourselves we hold things back to protect the feelings of others when in reality, we're only postponing the pain.

Buried emotions aren't dead, they're still alive just below the surface.

So your W does have work to do and it seems she's wrestling with that, it will take her time. She may decide it's too much work or too painful but you don't know that at this point. Another thing to remember, growth in this area isn't linear, it's full of fits and starts.

Let go, have no expectations, drop your timeline.

It is just that simple.

Stand back for awhile if you need to to get your feet under you but don't become and a$$. Be friendly when you see her, take charge of your kids and their needs when you have them.

I liked your writings about the man you want to show to the world. What of those things have you accomplished? What still needs work?

All those attributes you mentioned that are attractive to women, they are to an extent and do create initial interest but a few of them are counter to a successful R and I think you've recognized that fact. Men and women often have skewed perceptions of what the other sex needs in a R. How to improve your marriage without talking about it was an eye-opener for me.

There are things here for you to learn about yourself. I've said this many times and it only becomes more true. While painful, this experience taught me so much about me and forced me to work on things I needed to work on. I wouldn't change anything. My life is so much better now and that would hold true even if we hadn't reconciled. That's what detachment gets you.

From what I read here, you're a good man. But maybe down deep some where you're just not sure. When you can dig the real you out of there, all this gets much easier.

And as I said before, then no matter which way this goes, you're the winner.