What a day... A few replies first and perhaps my longest post ever.
B-It took a long time for me to get here. And as you'll see a lot, my stomach is still in a knot and I go through a good deal of conflict.
Eddy-Glad to hear you are well. As you'll see from my first post in Piecing, I've got a million pieces to put back together. And my M may be just like Humpty Dumpty after the fall, so there is no guarantee of success. Interesting that you noted a tronger presence of OM with your W. Perhaps more on that later.
Zoo-You make many valid points and I can only scratch the surface here with all the soul searching I've done on this conversion issue. I approached the clergy with a major concern that I was doing this for the wrong reasons. To their credit, they didn't push me, but offered me comfort. Today, I know I made the right decision because I don't feel I can go back. Indeed, one of my biggest concerns now in converting is having one of my first acts in the Church as seeking an annulment. Ugh.
Betsy- After you see below, your thoughts on a separation may be more valid than ever, but I think right now it would just feed the John Nash beast.
Reuben--I'll go over to Betsy's thread and hijack that. Thanks for looking in.
Now for some SERIOUS journaling. If I reached detachment--today was it with ALL CAPS.
W got back at 3:45 a.m. I heard her come in, but did not open my eyes. When she went to bed, she felt my face with her hand--I think because she was drunk and couldn't see. Who knows.
I woke up at 7:40 a.m. and she awokwe to say that the party went past 11:00 and she didn't notice how late it was. W added that I could check with my friend at the party on the timing. I may do that but it really doesn't matter. Personally, I thought she was with OM.
She also immediately pounced on the attorney letter and asked if it was about taking the kids away from her. I said it was just a bill, but then she said she was nervous because I was keeping a journal to document her unfitness? I said the journal was designed to help me cope with the situation and even added that I included bad stuff I did. Earlier, in poor DBing days I told her I started it to make sure I wasn't going crazy the way she remembered things. From this she talked again of her desire to separate and the need to agree on some things before she retained her lawyer at $5,000. I said I really hadn't thought about it too much, was waiting for her to do something and was taking one day at a time. W said she noticed how I had changed my R with the kids and was happy because she feared under the old R, they would never want to visit me when I left--but the new R makes her comfortable that they're willing to leave her. I didn't respoind to this. While it is true that I have greatly improved my interactions with my kids--to suggest what she did is complete lunacy--trust me on this because I spend tons of qulaity time with them. What has improved is my interaction with them when I don't like things. I'm far more patient and calm. Anyway, at this point, W was not happy about my reticence on moving, but I left for Church for my meeting. My PMA was pretty high.
I was upbeat at Church and after a 45 minute discussion (on may things--including sitch), the nun thought I was well on the right track and was welcoming me into the RCIA for formal conversion Easter 2005.
When I got back home, W asked what I discussed with nun and if it included her. I said just a little bit, but that I was now going to do RCIA in this parish. We then went back to the separation and W wanted to know how much I'd thought about where I'd live and how much I'd spend. Per DB Coach Laurie, I tried to buy some time by showing I was moving on. When I reiterated that I had not done much lately, W blew up. She said she was trying to be nice in giving me time before she pursued legal action, but I had just feigned that I was willing to leave and she had just wasted her time. She said she sacrficed her life for the M, but I didn't hold up my end of the bargain, so why was I keeping her trapped. Several times I tried to leave the room, and she did her, "There you go again, shutting me out. How do you expect any chance for us to reconcile if you leave now? (Nugget of hope or manipulation?--I tend to think the latter). She started asking me about my pro-marriage counseling (she was aware of DB from credit card bill) and how I could let some guru decide how to act without her hearing her side of the story. She also quesitoned why I would listen to a counselor over her (this comment is a hoot because Nash has refused counseling and only cares about what I talk about in my own meetings). Control anyone????
In any event, I said counseling is unique to every individual and I wouldn't go into the details of my sessions, other than to say it was important to get myself centered and take one day at a time.
W thought it was impossible to focus on one day at a time and that I must have thought of some things about moving. I said it was possible to take one day at a time and that it was working for me. But to assuage her somewhat and keep open the dialog, I said to the extent I have thought about it, it was whether I should go for a month, two months, or whatver and have the right to come back. John Nash replied, "What makes you think you have the right to decide to come home after two months." This last comment set off all my red flags and I said there's no sense talking about this until I see something concrete in terms of what she wants--because that's all that matters to her anyway. W pressed that Sep was necessary because our current sitch is destructive to the kids. In what could be considered poor DBing form, I said, there are lots of things that are destructive to the kids, but right now I'm happy with our current sitch and can keep myself happy. To which W predicatbly replied then it's up to me (Nash) to make myself happy--the same way you abandoned me before. Fortunately, I did not take the bait and left.
She then began sobbing heavily and called every one of her relatives to say I was keeping her trapped and was causing her and the kids' destruction.
In some respects, I felt bad in that while she was in turmoil, I was so detached I truly didn't care. Before, I would be stoic with walls, but had compassion. Today, it was, "Been there; done that; who gives a ---?"
Wait, the day gets better.
Later I took my girls to the park. S9 was to come, but he started screaming at D8 for taking the middle seat and then at me for telling him to get in the car. I brought him back in the house where he screamed to W that it was my fault for getting mad at him. W tells me that his reaction to me is a result of our sitch and she never has this problem with him. Apart from the highly quesionable truthfulness of her assessment, my second backslide of the day was to say, "Of course S9 is happy when someone lets him have his way." Anyway, me and the girls had a great time at the park.
Upon returning, W approaches me again and says I'm physically destroying her and is that what I want on my hands--to have the kids lose their mother?. She notes, interstingly, that this is something no doctor can help her with and the only answer is for me to leave and that's what gets us to a better place. She says she can't understand how my seeing the kids for just a few hours a day during the week is preventing me from just going someplace else--that the kids will adjust and won't miss me. W tries to soft pedal by saying, "I know you (Merrick) must think "Who the f*** is she to kick me out of my house etc. --which I think one of her relatives suggested would be my reaction. But she added, it's the only way out of our mess. I simply could not validate this crap and again left the room.
Now for the priceless part!!!
When W follows me downstairs, D5 asks her, "Mommy, do you love Daddy? Because sometimes we have a bad day and aren't nice to people and you aren't very nice to Daddy." W says we all have bad days that make us less friendly than usual. Then she looks at me and says this is what we're doing to the kids and teaching them. I'm thinking yeah, because your an a$$hole, I have to move and the kids grow up with a divorce? Just priceless--to me anyway. W then goes into her sarcastic routine of kissing me and saying all will be well because Merrick says we can decide to be happy. W backs off and adds that she thinks I'm taking glee in her destruction because then I'll get what I want--the kids and no more W.
A few very minor skirmishes after that, I cooked dinner for the kids and played with them and W has gone to bed.
This is nuts and I tend to think something has to give. My gut still says what I told the nun today, "Jesus says to love your wife the way He loves the Church." This thought kept me at bay many times today. Still, as I look back, W used similar tactics to manipulate me into moving back to NY, manipulate me into getting a vasectomy, and now she's trying to manipulate me into leaving. Right now, I feel I can be happy in this home with my kids and behave in a way that is loving to them. (Will I feel the same in 24 hours???). This is her decision. She can walk. Oh vey!!
A few replies first and perhaps my longest post ever.
