jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[jim0987]

Thanks Sandi, 25.

Sandi your post really choked me up and im not really sure why it got to me so much.

25, I'm looking at the Feb EE, and trying to get the money together. I really do want to change who I am. I want to be more assertive I want to stop being so insecure. I have value and worth, I know that, but I'm crippled by self doubt.

My self doubt is why my wife didn't think I was there for her and its when I was wrestling with it openly that I made her connect with and feel her shame. And its this self doubt that gives me harsh and mean defences.

I hate the phrase but I need to be more alpha male in my being I'm just so far from that it seems hard (and yes its a massive contradiction from work where I'm in charge and the guy everyone goes to in a crisis) I'm way to dependent on external validation and empowerment.

Kirk (and others) are great role models. I suppose I can see it just don't know how to be it.

Leads me back to querying current interaction with my wife. Say nothing and be happy is passive (weak) acceptance of her A and the D, raise it and I'm forcing shame on her and it pushes her away. The only other option I can think of is to openly address the shame and guilt but that's pursuit and will look weak.

All if this is probably about control but I don't think she will see any changes because what need to change was my compassionate interaction with her. I needed to step forward and try rather than back and hide.

That and get my work head back on straight.