Thanks y'all and KAW. I wanted to read your whole thread before replying, but W walked in on me last night. Just the bits I saw were amazing and I'll try to reply more fully tonight.
One thing I've learned about DBing is pateince applies not only to our spouses, but to ourselves. God bless those who can maintain DBing principles from the outset. Each time I think I've got it down, I realize I have lot more to do. The break while she was away was good for me--the same way a long vacation several months after 9/11 helped me recover from my nervousness on the NYC subways. A simple extended break from the constant tension is a good thing--and can really provide a new outlook. If I can figure out more ways to do this apart from a separation, that would be an immense help.
KAW, I don't disagree with anything you said, especially on the kids, but the dynamics are somewhat more complicated for me. My W has gone through the annulment phase of thinking in that she says 1) I have done nothing wrong and that we are mismatched; and 2) the things we enjoyed about each other when we got married were not really love, but a manifestation of her own insecurites through her sheltered upbringing, i.e., she made a mistake in getting married to the wrong person and no longer wants to carry this forward. I realize that this summary of mine is a gross oversimplification which does nothing to negate bringing back the positive moments of that time--but it gives you a sense of where my W is at. And even if she comes around to me, it will still be an effort to get both of us into counseling, which I view as imperative to work through the issues that got us here in the first place. I'm not sure those can go away on their own. Btw, I say this analytically, not as an impediement to my efforts.
One interesting thing was said last night. After I spent ten minutes validating her latest assault on our M (she thought I was yessing her, but seemed to accept my genuineness when I said that was not the case), later in the evening (she had gone out) she said she felt bad about the way she was treating me, but feared that if she acted nicely, I would view that as enough to sustain our marriage--and who wants to live with where we were and we need to move on. I didn't want to get in the full R talk and the best I could muster was that I knew she was not a mean person. She then asked, "Is that all?' Although I knew she was opening up somewhat, I was fearful as to where this convo was headed (I've refered to her as Lucy with the football and Charlie Brown). My only response was, "I know you need some space from me, so I'll sleep in the basement tonight" She replied, "I need space not just tonight." I grabbed my things from the bedroom, including very conspicuously, the book she gave me on helping kids through divorce. That was it for the night.
This morning, she was back to being ornery, but fortunately, I had to ctach a train.
Merrick
P.S. As I finished this, W left a VM saying that I got a letter today from a law firm she recalled as being one of the ones I was examining earlier. She said she didn't open it, but thought I had already paid the bill and wanted to know what was going on? I have no idea what the letter is about--perhaps a biz development follow-up see where I am at. I see no need to call W back on this and will deal with it at another time. I certainly won't deal with it until I know what they sent me. M
