Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

So I've been thinking more about where my sitch is at and assessing my plan through the end of the year. I feel like I need to change tactics to address some negative behaviors my W has embraced.

We have been in somewhat of a holding pattern the past few weeks of me not pursuing and W initiating conversations. W seems to be softening back up to our R somewhat, recalling the good times of our R, and shows more remorse each week.

However she is repeatedly telling me that while no decisions have been made, she intends to separate and does not want to be married. It seems like she feels there is a need to hold the threat of D over my head as a way to keep me from having hope in our R and any hope in her. At the same time she is also saying she appreciates how kind I've been throughout the sitch so far but she isn't holding her breath because she thinks this is just a ploy to get her back and my kindness to her will dissipate once she starts the separation/divorce process.

On the financial front, W started her new part time job last week. She is already making plans to take unpaid time off for other trips and the holidays. Right now she is spending her own $ in the form of racking up a cc balance in her name, and the way the budget numbers look to me with her limited hours worked and her expensive upcoming holiday plans, she will not begin to be able to survive on her own financially until February/March. Unless she uses loan money and/or taps her daddy for help. She has always been fearful to use borrowed money to live off of and I doubt my father in law will be very supportive of her financially if he thinks I am not being a total jerk. He is angry at her and in disbelief about the sitch as much as anyone.

Her work and money plans sound to me like a commitment on her part to not face reality and live in limbo land at our home for the next 3 months or longer. No action on my part would enable that.

Intel shows W has, so far, maintained NC with OM but that she is daily monitoring OM and his GF's online profiles. I see this as meaning one or a combination of several things: she is fantasizing about her A with OM and reliving it in her mind, or she is waiting for OM to make a move to break up with his GF so W and OM can take their R to the next level, or she sees his GF as her competition and is comparing herself to the OW, or she is paranoid one of the two will expose the A potentially hurting W's career and also creating new drama for W in the professional world.

Any way I attempt to rationalize this behavior, I arrive at the conclusion that her intentions are purely selfish and harmful to our M. To me it seems she is keeping the fantasy of the A and the deception alive, while telling me and the world it's all over. For all I know she may have made a plan with OM to just put their R on hold for awhile (there has been no NC letter or phone call with me in the loop). My intel has also shown several instances where W was looking up plane tix from our town to OM's hometown (I assume for a holiday visit??) along with other driving directions to measure the distance to OM's city from potential cities she could live/work.

I have NOT confronted W about her "one way online stalking" and apparent travel dreams, at least not since within a few days after DDay, but I have an issue with it and feel like it needs to stop. Obsessive stalking/fantasizing is still a form of "contact" in my book which violates one of my core boundaries.

I feel like I've built a positive rapport and environment where W is open to talking with me and she has a positive view of me and our R right now so I want to maintain that, but I feel like more boundaries are necessary to stop the cake eating and limbo. I'm really not okay with being the financier of a boarding house for the wayward.

Does anyone have any creative ideas on how I can change tactics to work towards ending these behaviors?

Starsky, I know there are no shortcuts but I know you took a hardline approach against ongoing deception and disrespect in your sitch. I feel like my W is resting too easily right now and holding the reins too much. I think she needs a wake up call to reality and to know that I'm not playing games. I don't want to show my cards too soon, but I have mounting evidence to support her actions I've outlined. I've read where you had to show your hand at times to push things over the edge.