jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[25yearsmlc]

It does make sense. I don't have a good male role model for dealing with conflict. My dads style is to belittke them abd utterly destroy the other persons confidence. my older brothers is violence.

No other men in my family really.

I've friends who have a good approach to life but no idea how they deal with tense situations. So in short my only male role models are fictional characters.

FWIW, my favorite older brother (and I have 5), has Captain Kirk as his role model. I say, whatever works. And so far, it has worked for him. He's truly a noble man.



I'm trying to learn the better behaviours through reading and such. And ive worked out a bit more of a plan to improve myself.

I'm doing much better at not showing frustration and resentment but like you say one moment undoes days of good work.


Sad but true

And overall I feel less resentful but its still there just different now. Little things that bothered me before now don't and it seems weird that I got so worked up by them.

Remember this^^ discovery.


In disagreements so far the improvement has been that I walk away rather than lash back. Next step is I have to stand my ground confidently but unthreateningly

It would be much, much easier if I wasn't sad and my W was helping with this is a loving a supportive way.

Finding the balance between positive but not weak is what I'm finding hard. I've always taken my strength from either being negative, being empowered by someone else or by being right. Not the way to be happy

Its very new and unsettling to me.

And I'll be honest I still have a sizeable chunk of fear and shame going on.

Fear is natural and has to be balanced with faith, (or even conquered by it.)

Shame? Well, shame just sukks.

However, Remorse for our errors & for harming others, is understandable. It's arguably a great thing IF IT Serves to motivate us to change AND if it does not spiral downward into shame.

Remember that if you are making the changes needed, then remind yourself also that "a problem being handled, is not a problem anymore" b/c you are fixing it.

Think about that. Do you complain or focus on a flat tire, WHILE you are changing that tire? No, b/c you are handling it.

Shame itself is NOT healthy. It's a form of wallowing and critical berating. Berating isn't good to do to anyone, including ourselves.
Hey, I'd bet that shameful voice is a voice from your past, e.g., your childhood, don't you think? You can silence that voice, if/when you know how. I have a suggestion to make if you are truly ready to change your life.

Please check into a personal workshop that is in total alignment with DB principles, called "Essential Experience" ("EE" for short). It's now only in Philadelphia. Other DBers have attended, as have I and my h. It was literally life changing for both of us and for every DBer who attended.

(including PowerOfNow, AutumnLeaves, LuckyLuke, StubbornDyke and some others who's names escape me atm).

I've been to a few different kinds of these self discovery workshops. Most all of them have some use, though some are hilariously superficial.

However, by far, EE was the most profound. And it was done in such a supportive environment, there's just no way it cannot help you with something. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it exponentially. One thing that makes EE different is that it's "experiential", a word I had not come across before.

That meant it was not a lecture or Q & A type of experience, but had exercises designed for you to discover or confront or accept something about yourself that maybe you did not know before. For ME, that meant I could not edit or rehearse my answers, and that was a huge change & big challenge. A VERY productive experience for me.

Check it out. It's personal/individual, not for marriages or couples per se. In most cases a lot of us bring our own baggage to our marriages but cannot resolve those in joint marriage counseling.

My h also said he found therapy, even with a good T, "fragmented" b/c when you do gain an insight or make a breakthrough, within a few minutes you have to leave and pick up your kids or go back to work and NOT ponder the breakthrough til the following WEEK. So you return and have to begin again to get back to where you are the week before and so, in my view, a long weekend workshop is going to save time in counseling, not add to it.

As for being focused on individuals and not couples, every relationship in your life will change, if you change and if you attend EE -then change is certain. I mean you'd have to try pretty hard not to get something valuable out of it. I don't know anyone who has done that and I've now been involved in about 9 of these, and seeing hundreds of people do it.

As you may know, the real value of these things, just like the value of DBing, lies in the changes others see in your life.

And at least In my case , my h saw dramatic changes in me, even as soon as I got off the plane. He said later that he could tell from my demeanor then, and my newly found inner/outer calm, and how I viewed myself as a then pregnant woman (a lot more sensual and attractive than before) ---that HE decided to go to EE himself... And so off he went, alone.

He called and said it was the "Best gift anyone had ever given" him. Then we went together to help other new participants, on "team". It was among the most bonding experiences of my life and certainly one of the closest moments of our m. That is when he said "I'm so glad to be married to my soulmate".

So Yes, I highly recommend it.

Also, are you a believer? Oh I'm not going to preach. It's just that if you are, this reminder helped ME deal with the fears I had when this all happened in my life.

So, When you operate from fear, you are NOT operating in faith.

Letting my faith comfort & guide me, was a lifesaver and a Godsend (literally, I suppose).

You can do this. Seriously.

Look where you were and then look where you are now.

Can you celebrate the difference - that you have created?