It looks to me like usual alien behavior. Last night she was clearly making a big fuss over a minor thing (going to the party). Why is it such a big deal? Because she is trying to pull your chain and start a fight so that she can "prove" how bad things are. This is just all par for the DBing course and I think that you know that.
My H used to make comments about my validating too. He said that I was patronizing him and that I sounded like a reflective listening seminar. My advice is not to stop validating. It is better than arguing and at least she is noticing.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
You acted like one cool cat. I agree with Christine, keep on validating. Your W is noticing. Often times those comments are made when they have nothing else to hold against us because we are being good friends and good people. Your actions are noticed and effective. Same variations on the too little too late BS. Does your W know there is a movie called Miracle? Great flick.
Don't let those daggers penetrate your suit of armor. Be the pleasant, kind, gentle guy you are but not patronizing, pretending, or acting. You know what to do, you are doing great.
Hang in there.... My Wife is the Queen at yanking my chain...
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Hi merrick and welcome to piecing ... I haven't had much time this week to visit here on the board, but when I saw your first post here ... WOW ... how that brought back some memories. While I have yet read any past details, I saw many parallels in where I was two years ago and where you are now.
Your WAW is right now looking for anyway to continue to fortify you as being the villian for everything that has gone wrong up to now in order to continue rationalizing her choosen course of action. However, she has noticed the changes you are making and the first "knee-jerk" reaction is anger. Anger in that after she has made her choice that M cannot be "fixed" and now its time to move on, that you had now picked this time to work on making M better. She will get over this in time as she starts to see the changes are REAL ones and not just a facade.
Your focus now should be on taking yourself out the above equation. Diffuse or at the very minimum deflect the anger and the blame. Continue to validate. Let the pointed attacks go, walk away if you have to, but remain calm and polite if not even pleasant. Try to keep your responses short and direct, such as when she asked about how would you have a good time at the party ... a simple reply would have been that you are only looking to enjoy spending time in the company of your friends for the evening and you are confident you can do that despite the current sitch.
That's I have time for right now ... but if you're interested in seeing a sitch like this can turn around take a gander at: Get out of jail FREE!
I'll look at your post, because right now I am not in a GOOD place at all. Please see "Broken Pieces" or somebody tell me how to link these crazy things.
I really like this new you! Your increasing detachment is working wonders on you, dahling... so keep up the good work. Just think baseball, road trips, hot dogs & beer, and your friends....
KAW, can I have a get out of jail free card now?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I wish everyone here could get a "Get out jail free" card! Actually, I,ve been keeping tabs on your last three threads , and you "fish-friendly" sharks have been doing such an admirable job on your sobriety that I felt I have had little to add.
Merrick, I just wanted to touch on ... when it gets tough deal with your W's "drama", you got three great attention getters in your kids! Set up a regime of fun activities to share with them at home. They will help you detach and at the same time, help enforce while in your W's presence who the "new" merrick is. Keep inviting your W to share with the activities if she wants, but make it her choice and let her know you are fine with whether she wants to join in or not.
When it comes to OM , you do have to sit on the curb and let it play out, but I was given the advise of when presenting a PMA around WAW ... to present yourself as now being the OM in the triangle. This is why its important now to be upbeat and confident in your W's presense now, because those are the basic qualities that attact people together, but think back to when you first dated your W ... what were the things you did that attracted her in the first place? ... the way you presented yourself ... the way you dressed, your mannerisms, your interests, etc... What was your self image like then? How is it different now? What 180's can you do to reflect the things you liked about yourself back then that may have altered some now? What are her comments about what has change about you that she doesn't like now? These are the things you can work on now that can make her see you in a new light or rather in the light that first drew her towards you. Think of yourself now as being the OM! If she softens to this new OM in her home, it can open the door that leads to doing more of what works.
Thanks y'all and KAW. I wanted to read your whole thread before replying, but W walked in on me last night. Just the bits I saw were amazing and I'll try to reply more fully tonight.
One thing I've learned about DBing is pateince applies not only to our spouses, but to ourselves. God bless those who can maintain DBing principles from the outset. Each time I think I've got it down, I realize I have lot more to do. The break while she was away was good for me--the same way a long vacation several months after 9/11 helped me recover from my nervousness on the NYC subways. A simple extended break from the constant tension is a good thing--and can really provide a new outlook. If I can figure out more ways to do this apart from a separation, that would be an immense help.
KAW, I don't disagree with anything you said, especially on the kids, but the dynamics are somewhat more complicated for me. My W has gone through the annulment phase of thinking in that she says 1) I have done nothing wrong and that we are mismatched; and 2) the things we enjoyed about each other when we got married were not really love, but a manifestation of her own insecurites through her sheltered upbringing, i.e., she made a mistake in getting married to the wrong person and no longer wants to carry this forward. I realize that this summary of mine is a gross oversimplification which does nothing to negate bringing back the positive moments of that time--but it gives you a sense of where my W is at. And even if she comes around to me, it will still be an effort to get both of us into counseling, which I view as imperative to work through the issues that got us here in the first place. I'm not sure those can go away on their own. Btw, I say this analytically, not as an impediement to my efforts.
One interesting thing was said last night. After I spent ten minutes validating her latest assault on our M (she thought I was yessing her, but seemed to accept my genuineness when I said that was not the case), later in the evening (she had gone out) she said she felt bad about the way she was treating me, but feared that if she acted nicely, I would view that as enough to sustain our marriage--and who wants to live with where we were and we need to move on. I didn't want to get in the full R talk and the best I could muster was that I knew she was not a mean person. She then asked, "Is that all?' Although I knew she was opening up somewhat, I was fearful as to where this convo was headed (I've refered to her as Lucy with the football and Charlie Brown). My only response was, "I know you need some space from me, so I'll sleep in the basement tonight" She replied, "I need space not just tonight." I grabbed my things from the bedroom, including very conspicuously, the book she gave me on helping kids through divorce. That was it for the night.
This morning, she was back to being ornery, but fortunately, I had to ctach a train.
Merrick
P.S. As I finished this, W left a VM saying that I got a letter today from a law firm she recalled as being one of the ones I was examining earlier. She said she didn't open it, but thought I had already paid the bill and wanted to know what was going on? I have no idea what the letter is about--perhaps a biz development follow-up see where I am at. I see no need to call W back on this and will deal with it at another time. I certainly won't deal with it until I know what they sent me. M
Quote: KAW, I don't disagree with anything you said, especially on the kids, but the dynamics are somewhat more complicated for me. My W has gone through the annulment phase of thinking in that she says 1) I have done nothing wrong and that we are mismatched; and 2) the things we enjoyed about each other when we got married were not really love, but a manifestation of her own insecurites through her sheltered upbringing, i.e., she made a mistake in getting married to the wrong person and no longer wants to carry this forward.
Yes, I was told that I was just a nice guy that help her out of a bad marriage prior and that she really never had any loving feelings for me. I guess, she felt nearly twenty years of M was enough of a payback for that! ... but the thing is I remember those years past where she also said that being with me was what made her happy. Some extreme varying shades of the truth! ... and why you should hold onto what Michelle states about only believing half of what they say. The hurt and pain the express is real enough, but it also distorts their recount of the way things were and because they can believe they have reached a point of no return, they want to believe there really wasn't anything there to return to in order to make letting go easier for them.
My W refered to that time as getting lost and not being able to see her way. She referred to me as being her lighthouse that help her find her way back again...
I'll leave you with that thought for the weekend... make sure you do something you enjoy this weekend...
While I have yet read any past details, I saw many parallels in where I was two years ago and where you are now. 
, and you "fish-friendly" sharks 
have been doing such an admirable job on your sobriety that I felt I have had little to add. 
, you do have to sit on the curb and let it play out, but I was given the advise of when presenting a PMA around WAW ... to present yourself as now being the OM in the triangle. This is why its important now to be upbeat and confident in your W's presense now, because those are the basic qualities that attact people together, but think back to when you first dated your W ... what were the things you did that attracted her in the first place? ... the way you presented yourself ... the way you dressed, your mannerisms, your interests, etc... What was your self image like then? How is it different now? What 180's can you do to reflect the things you liked about yourself back then that may have altered some now? What are her comments about what has change about you that she doesn't like now? These are the things you can work on now that can make her see you in a new light or rather in the light that first drew her towards you. Think of yourself now as being the OM! If she softens to this new OM in her home, it can open the door that leads to doing more of what works.
... but the thing is I remember those years past where she also said that being with me was what made her happy. Some extreme varying shades of the truth! ... and why you should hold onto what Michelle states about only believing half of what they say. The hurt and pain the express is real enough, but it also distorts their recount of the way things were and because they can believe they have reached a point of no return, they want to believe there really wasn't anything there to return to in order to make letting go easier for them.