Old thread is locked out and I'm not really a Newcomer. Thought I'd move to piecing, even if I got a million pieces to put back together. Here's the story:
W and kids got back from FLA tonight. I met them at the airport and kids gave me big hugs and we're really happy to see me. W and I barely looked at each other. We went to get luggage, and W remained standoffish, so we really didn't talk to each other on the drive home.
I did ask some questions about things I would usually take care of around the house, but W said she would take care of them with her father. Am I out the door already? W also got snarly when I suggested my parents could babysit on Friday night given that other turned us down. My W is an absolute a$$hole with my parents. If she has complete disdain for me--I can't ven begin to contemplate what she thinks of them.
After the kids went bed, I tried some small talk, but W remained cool, so I said screw it; I'm happy and I'll stay that way. I just backed off and did my thing elsewhere. As I've noted before, she has three more weeks of heavy campaigning with OM and I simply can't break that deal right now--other than to keep my chin up. We'll see. PMA is still good tonight. I think I've reached a new level of detaching.
It's good to see you over here! I'd like to go to a Yankees game with you and Eddy. I used to live in NYC too.
I know how hard it is to put up that invisible armor. You have the right attitude. There is nothing that you can do during the next 3 weeks about keeping OM and W apart. Who knows...maybe they'll get sick of each other.
You have all the tools that you need to put all the pieces together. Now it is time to really do your best spywork. Just remember Ingrid Berman. She had nerves of steel. This is what you must do to. Don't let them see you sweat!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
I was unpacking some of the luggage and came across a journal of W and succumbed to my curiosity.
While I only scanned it, among the major things I got out of it are her tremendous pain. She feels NO love for me and completely trapped in the marriage and that she will die in it. The second thing is her completely opposite perception of events in our lives. She calls my reaction to the ending of our M emotionally immature and also says that while I talk about my love for the kids and ability to care for them, in fact, I am jealous of her ability to deal with them so I must find a way to tear her down as a mother. She also expressed fear of my angry reactions when D tallk gets serious--and this makes her reticent about moving forward.
While she acknowledges my struggle, she laments that I don't understand our failure to have built a meaningful R and deeply resents that I blame the collapse on OM. Somewhat amusingly, she contemplates going to our priest to get an annulment--but this is the same priest who advised me not to move out of the house and asked me to pray the Rosary hoping for a miracle of reconciliation. Just the other night he seemed amazed that W would even consider a D.
Rather than get negative about this--I view this as a path to positive DBing. First is to compliment her whenever I can about her love as a mother. Second is to be calmer than ever at home, especially when the D topic is raised; Third is to continue detaching--especially in terms of reasons why we should not D. I may even read her D books in bed alongside her to show that I have an open mind. Again, nothing is going to chnage so long as OM is in the picture--I just need to rid it out as best I can. Gotta do some work now. I'll try to visit others tonight. Have a great day y'all.
Quote: ... but this is the same priest who advised me not to move out of the house and asked me to pray the Rosary hoping for a miracle of reconciliation.
I believe in miracles, Merrick!!! I really do! The day of my bomb, I asked H if he felt that there was a chance that he would change his mind. He said absolutely no chance. He said that he would not go to C, he would not do anything to make things work, he did not love me and never did, we made a mistake and he was absolutely set on D. HE SAID, "AT THIS POINT, IT WOULD TAKE A MIRACLE." He really said that! Merrick, this makes me misty-eyed every time I think of it. Your priest is right and miracles really do happen!
I have really ambivalent feelings about sleuthing. I am just as guilty as you in this area. You are wise to take what you have learned and use it to be a master DBer.
Remember that, whatever she says or writes about her feelings, can be transitory. She did not carve these things in stone...she merely wrote them in her journal. Her feelings can, and most likely will, change as you both go through this journey.
You have the right idea by not getting defensive about any of her perceptions. They are her reality right now and to deny them would make her pull away even more. With my H, I decided that I wasn't going to TALk him out of his feelings and perceptions. I was going to DEMONSTRATE with my behavior that things weren't as he perceived. This takes time, patience and consistent actions. She didn't acquire these perceptions overnight and she won't change them overnight either.
Armed with the knowledge that you have, you can now show her more unconditional love through validation and acknowledgement of her concerns. He will feel loved, if she feels understood.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Great to see you decided to move to piecing You will definitely get TONS of great advice here
Was also glad to see that rather then take the negative from your W's journal you opted for the positive and will use it as a TOOL to aid you in your DB'ing efforts. Try to keep the sleuthing down to a minimum though (like I should talk...bad snooper i am LOL)...sometimes TOO much info is not good
You are to be commended for your perseverance and commitment to DB'ing It is that perseverance that will see yo through too
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
W had late campaign meeting and asked me not to get mad at her if she came home late--I just assumed her and OM would get together late and that was that.
I went to be about 11:00, but heard W come home about 11:45. What? Did OM have other plans? I did not get up, but was truly shocked and wondered what her mood would be in the morning. It didn't take long to find out.
Since she couldn't get a babysitter for a surprise party for her GF (I'm also friends with GF and her H--more the H), she started asking, pointedly, why I wanted to go with her and did I expect to have a good time at a "couples" party. I said that I appreciated our awkwardness, but that since it was a friend, I felt we could manage to enjoy ourselves. W: How??? We can't get along at home; how will we do it here? Do you enjoy being with me? What will you talk about? Are you just trying to show the world that everything is fine between us since you're (Merrick) just content to pretend. Or, she asked, was I hoping that going together would ignite the spark that would create the "miracle" that I'm looking for.
I said I thought going was the right thing to do because GF was a friend of ours (W says she is her friend--not mine). I said if it made her more comfortable, we could go in separate cars and not be bound by one another. W said she was not concerned about that, but her uneasy feelings about going. She would rather make up an excuse for not going than to go separately. She then said it was my responsibility to find a babysitter because she would not allow me to hold it against her that we did not go since I see nothing wrong with our situation. I said that I didn;t think "nothing" was wrong and I appreciated her discomfort--to which she interjected a sarcastic remark about my merely validating her feelings. S9 then woke up and I was able to escape.
I think I did well this morning and really wasn't too defensive/offended. But I noticed on the train my stomach was in a knot; the constancy of this crap is too much.
My W reminds me of John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind"--capable of brilliance and showing it to others, but a nut behind the curtain. Is that intense pain, a real disease, or the turmoil of her emotions, especially if something happened with OM last night causing the surprising early return home? RED FLASHING LIGHT--THINK PLEASANT THOUGHTS AND GET BACK TO WORK. See ya!
"Rather than get negative about this--I view this as a path to positive DBing."
Everyone's strength here is so amazing. I beginning to see, through the wise eyes of the DBer's here, that maybe everything the WAS spouse says is not really what they are feeling. Thanks for your continued support. Your approach to your situation is a great help to those of us new on this treacherous path.
Thanks for the visit B. Don't get confused. What they say IS what they are feeling. But feelings can change based on core beliefs and values. The question and trick is how long will it take for those feelings to change (not inevitably for the better), can we stand the turmoil in the interim, and what steps can we take to arouse those better feelings? Logic, pressure, neediness, and self-righteouness from us will not get the job done. And please note, DBing is a process for us too--that takes time to change our own feelings. Hang in there.
I'd like to go to a Yankees game with you and Eddy. I used to live in NYC too.
You will definitely get TONS of great advice here 