Newbie Errors- Restarting the R- part 2

[Bart42]

Hi everyone, it’s been a while in between posts as things are very confused here and I don’t really have a plan on next steps, or even an understanding of what I want anymore. Nonetheless, wanted to journal a bit to keep everyone updated.
There’s been a good amount of talking between W and me. We’ve talked openly, brutally, about how she continues to be in contact with OM, mainly because she still cares for him, even if she doesn’t want the A anymore. What she does want is to help him with all his problems (he can’t take care of himself and now has a kid on the way with a GF he is broken up with) and for his GF not to hate her. She herself says that “OM is only out for OM” and she tells me he very much wants A to restart. She’s not “relying” on him, deflecting a lot of what he texts her, but W is clearly enjoying the contact and gets satisfaction out of trying to help him. I’m convinced the relationship is no longer physical, but she sees, texts and talks to him a lot (intel backs this up). In a sick sort of way we are actually getting better because there is much more honesty now, and she is not nearly as deep into the relationship with the OM, no more sex, no more talking of running away with him, etc. But of couse he is still in her life, nearly daily. So her relationship with him get a little worse, and ours a little better.
Oh, did I mention W is starting up again with an old fling? Guy who works in another city, but they were in the same place for a business trip last week and it seems clear he is her newest toy. If W is craving excitement and newness, she is never going to get that from a mature relationship like ours. So even if we get past OM(s) and fix the holes in the marriage, I have every reason to believe there will be a string of OMs because of her need for excitement and something to obsess on.
For some strange reason I am taking solace in the fact that W is not fantasying about lives with these OMs but is instead thrill seeking with them. Never thought I’d say that.
So I’m in a huge state of limbo, and am sure I will be told I’m supporting cakeating- stop messing around and file for D. Thing is, I don’t know if I really care about her emotionally anymore, but the day to day life is still brings a lot of enjoyment and stability. Beautiful house, great friends, happy kids, nice conversations with W, etc. So do I file for D and just trade one set of shortcomings and unhappiness for another? Everyone here will tell me I can’t keep living this way forever and that it will take a huge emotional toll, and I’m sure that’s right, but for now all I know is I’m not ready to leave this house and family and that I really don’t care what W does or doesn’t do outside the home anymore. That said, the road I am on will almost unquestionably lead to divorce, perhaps later rather than sooner, but with kids at home, maybe later is better.
I’ve given up all hope of getting my “old” W or marriage back- those are long gone. So do I want to live in this state of limbo and get my unsatisfied needs met elsewhere like she is doing? Enjoy the stability of the lifestyle and joy of being around the kids daily, and just let it ride and see where it takes me in 3 months, 6 months, a year? Do I want to try and build a new relationship with her, basically from the ground up, in the hopes that once we get to a good place she will not need to rely on other men for excitement or emotional support? Is that even possible while she’s got OMs in the picture?
Going dark (again) will just lead to a bad environment that she will run away from. I feel she would sooner agree to a D rather than give up OM contact at this point-W will not end these relationships while marriage is not in a good place, and trying to convince her that she needs to stop going outside the marriage in order to give the marriage a chance hasn’t worked and will not work.
So I’m not in a rush anymore. Either we will go our separate ways when we are both ready to do so or we will decide to put in a little effort, bit by bit, and see if we can build a foundation we agree is strong enough to give us hope of rebuilding. But right now, there isn’t enough here to build on and I may be OK with that.