W had late campaign meeting and asked me not to get mad at her if she came home late--I just assumed her and OM would get together late and that was that.
I went to be about 11:00, but heard W come home about 11:45. What? Did OM have other plans? I did not get up, but was truly shocked and wondered what her mood would be in the morning. It didn't take long to find out.
Since she couldn't get a babysitter for a surprise party for her GF (I'm also friends with GF and her H--more the H), she started asking, pointedly, why I wanted to go with her and did I expect to have a good time at a "couples" party. I said that I appreciated our awkwardness, but that since it was a friend, I felt we could manage to enjoy ourselves. W: How??? We can't get along at home; how will we do it here? Do you enjoy being with me? What will you talk about? Are you just trying to show the world that everything is fine between us since you're (Merrick) just content to pretend. Or, she asked, was I hoping that going together would ignite the spark that would create the "miracle" that I'm looking for.
I said I thought going was the right thing to do because GF was a friend of ours (W says she is her friend--not mine). I said if it made her more comfortable, we could go in separate cars and not be bound by one another. W said she was not concerned about that, but her uneasy feelings about going. She would rather make up an excuse for not going than to go separately. She then said it was my responsibility to find a babysitter because she would not allow me to hold it against her that we did not go since I see nothing wrong with our situation. I said that I didn;t think "nothing" was wrong and I appreciated her discomfort--to which she interjected a sarcastic remark about my merely validating her feelings. S9 then woke up and I was able to escape.
I think I did well this morning and really wasn't too defensive/offended. But I noticed on the train my stomach was in a knot; the constancy of this crap is too much.
My W reminds me of John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind"--capable of brilliance and showing it to others, but a nut behind the curtain. Is that intense pain, a real disease, or the turmoil of her emotions, especially if something happened with OM last night causing the surprising early return home? RED FLASHING LIGHT--THINK PLEASANT THOUGHTS AND GET BACK TO WORK. See ya!
