I was unpacking some of the luggage and came across a journal of W and succumbed to my curiosity.
While I only scanned it, among the major things I got out of it are her tremendous pain. She feels NO love for me and completely trapped in the marriage and that she will die in it. The second thing is her completely opposite perception of events in our lives. She calls my reaction to the ending of our M emotionally immature and also says that while I talk about my love for the kids and ability to care for them, in fact, I am jealous of her ability to deal with them so I must find a way to tear her down as a mother. She also expressed fear of my angry reactions when D tallk gets serious--and this makes her reticent about moving forward.
While she acknowledges my struggle, she laments that I don't understand our failure to have built a meaningful R and deeply resents that I blame the collapse on OM. Somewhat amusingly, she contemplates going to our priest to get an annulment--but this is the same priest who advised me not to move out of the house and asked me to pray the Rosary hoping for a miracle of reconciliation. Just the other night he seemed amazed that W would even consider a D.
Rather than get negative about this--I view this as a path to positive DBing. First is to compliment her whenever I can about her love as a mother. Second is to be calmer than ever at home, especially when the D topic is raised; Third is to continue detaching--especially in terms of reasons why we should not D. I may even read her D books in bed alongside her to show that I have an open mind. Again, nothing is going to chnage so long as OM is in the picture--I just need to rid it out as best I can. Gotta do some work now. I'll try to visit others tonight. Have a great day y'all.
