Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

Waaa waaa. I know I'm acting like a baby right now! I know what I am supposed to do but I have a bad attitude and don't want to do it.

That would be correct. At least you recognize it.


Look, until she actually WANTS back into the marriage, laying "100-day Plans" in front of her and such is only going to SMOTHER her, chase her away, and TURN HER OFF. Keep up your changes, be mysterious and distant (but civil and courteous when you ARE interacting with her), and stop trying to pull up the carrots before they're ripe!!! Every time you do, it's a setback.

Sometimes you sound like you're 27 going on 17. Time to be 27 going on 37, put on your BBBs (Big-Boy Britches) and do the work, U.C. There *are* no shortcuts.


Starsky

Thanks Starsky. I know I need to hear all that. And thank you Sandi. I've taken a step back because I know my bad attitude needs to change. Past few days I've kept my distance and have not pursued. We've had a couple convos this weekend which she initiated (normally we talk when I come from being out and she is on her end of the house and hears me in the kitchen, she will come in and linger and ask how I am and what I've been up to). She has confided in me that she is frustrated at her former best friend who has closed the door on their friendship because of the A and that my W has said she doesn't want to be married any more. She also has confided in me about being upset at her mom who continues to pressure her to change and says she is praying for a miracle. My W says she is shocked at how people who are "Christians" have rejected her but says she is impressed at how I've shown her Christ's love throughout the sitch. She said "if I choose to go back down the christian road I would make it my mission to change that image."

She reassured me she still wants to "not" be married like she has also said in almost of our convos. She says she doesn't want to give me false hope. I have told her I don't agree with her mom that a "miracle" will revert everything back to normal. I told her I don't think her mom or most of our friends understand our R or our sitch, and don't have experience dealing with what were going through and that R's are just hard work. The thought a miracle could fix everything isn't even logical.

She asked if I've mourned our relationship. I was surprised to hear her ask that... And said I guess I've mourned what I thought we had before but said I know it's not like we can wave a magic wand to go back there. I asked her if she had mourned it - she said she misses parts of it, that she thinks we had a good R. That she misses things like giving each other foot rubs. I chuckled with her about that.

Last night we had a good interaction and I was telling stories and we were both laughing hysterically at one point. She said "thanks for being my friend through all this" at one point.

At the same time, she talked about what others would think and say when she "starts the separation process." She talks as if she is planning to separate and proceed with D, but also says she doesn't see why others are upset at her actions to not be married when "no decisions have been made."

She again expressed remorse and says she feels bad that she sunk so low to have an A while married. At one point I told her how the betrayal was hurtful and that although it was hurtful I think it is possible to overcome an A in a marriage. I told her I was serious about my commitment to our marriage, but felt I had to set boundaries to define what our marriage is and preserve the sanctity of marriage, which she has respected for the most part. She agreed the A could be overcome, but said she doesn't see how a M could work without two people committed to it and she can't be that person right now. She actually said at one point she is weighing the cost of S and D.