Knowing how it affects you, don't you think it would easier on your PMA to not snoop? You really are hurting yourself at this point. Besides, if she doesn't want you knowing (and if she did catch you) she will take it deeper underground.
You know she is not going to allow herself to be in a good mood around you, so why do you set yourself up for disappointment?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It would be so much easier on my PMA not to mention my dignity and self respect to not snoop. Its what stopped me the previous 50 odd opportunities I had. I can make an excuse why this was different but its an excuse.
She seems really determined to see me in a bad light and I suppose I just can't see that barrier coming down within the next couple of years.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
When you hit that point where someone is cross at you that 2 house moves ago some CDs, that she hasn't looked for until now, weren't put back in their boxes you really start to realise just how much resentment they are holding.
I hope this made you realize that she's just looking for excuses. There's no way she's crossed because of the CDs or because you're a good dad. It has to be something else so I posit that she's crossed that you're reacting better than expected, making her doubt her choices. That's what DB would suggest. It gets worse before it gets better, right?
Originally Posted By: jim0987
She seems really determined to see me in a bad light and I suppose I just can't see that barrier coming down within the next couple of years.
I have moments like this too. The opposite of love is indifference, not this kind of hate. She hasn't moved on from you. She wants you to act in the wrong way, to stop being a good dad and to defend yourself. She's trying to control you. Are you trying to control your old girlfriend from 10 years ago?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Overtly hate seems to be giving way to indifference - the tone of what she says (to me and others) is more she feels trapped here and Im the reminder of that rather than hates me.
She's very focused on how she deserves someone who is going to 'beat down doors to be with her'
There is a trust issue there toward me and actually that's not likely to change as I realised its been pretty entrenched for years.
Having said that it doesn't change my action plan as if she doesn't want the improved me then she doesn't and in the end I want to be with someone who loves me for me
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
As I told another man on here, she is going to do everything she can to make life miserable when you are home, b/c she is trying to run you off. That's her mission. Make your life hell until you leave.
Put your steel of armor on, white knight, but not to knock down her doors to save her. Be a knight for your little girl and whatever lady is lucky to be your fair damsel.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I picked a fight as I was walking out the door to go to work. For reasons I can't even fathom I mentioned that I wanted TI take the wedding photos down (I don't even really want to it just hurts when my kids look at them as it feels like the whole marriage was a lie.
Any way convo went roughly
M: I'd like to take the wedding photos down at some point if that's OK with you W: yes if that's what you want W: (aggressive tone) you can have the big frame those ones are mine M: that's not really how I want to discuss these things W: well they were mine before I met you M: that's fine but Im not happy with you being rude to me when we talk about this stuff. W: don't condescend me like I'm 3. M: that's not what I'm doing I just..... Look I can feel my emotions getting up so I'm going to go downstairs W: our wedding anniversary is coming up and I didn't realise we were eradicating things.
I went downstairs. W cane down a minute or so later and we discussed (still tense tones) that she felt I was ambushing her and making a parting shot - I said I was unhappy with her tone. I apologised that it felt like I was ambushing her. That wasn't my intent. She seemed to accept it but it felt like she tried to milk the apology.
I also said that we have spent far too long mistakenly assuming the others intent without ever asking. (W was walkibg away at this point)
A couple of minutes later I went back upstairs to explain that the reason I had said about the photos is because S1 was pointing at them and it upsets me when the kids do this. I repeated that I hadn't meant to ambush her.
She was annoyed as I left for work.
And feeling ambushed certainly does not help me build trust. I feel like I need to apologise more but then that doesn't help on the respect front.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/10/1407:33 AM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
So thinking about this and I see good points and bad
Good points: - I called her out on her tone and style - I limited escalation - I walked away and said its because my emotions were getting up. - I resisted sarcasm - I validated her view on being ambushed and apologised - I explained my trigger for being upset - she acknowledged our wedding anniversary - its something different in terms of wanting to take then down
Bad points: - it happened - timing - I apologised too much - once I apologised I yielded the power in the conversation allowing her to take the high road - I kept going back to continue the conversation - I was not assertive enough in tone, language or body language - I think I seemed weak - I specifically said twice that I had said sorry for ambushing her but that there was nothing more I could do about it. - I was open that the divorce still hurts and upsets me
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, I'm not sure how you cope I didn't and couldn't , but I take my hat of to you . Put on the suit of armour .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
If I were your classroom teacher, I would not be able to give you a very high score. You took the position of a pissy female. Daring her to fight with you. And don't hand me that cr@p about how sad it makes you when the kids look at the wedding pictures. After all these years, they would pay no attention, unless " someone " was drawing attention to them. Get a grip, and stop acting like you are the one wearing a skirt.
Quote:
W: our wedding anniversary is coming up and I didn't realise we were eradicating things.
What a joke!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
