Sorry you are here. Hope this all works out for you. Here are my observations:
1. Your wife isn't quite done with you. It can go either way, at any moment. It will take several months (I'd guess at least 6) of consistent action on her part indicating that she's really in the marriage for you to even be able to breathe easily. Right now she's expecting you to "wow" her without pressuring her.
2. You are desperate to win your wife back and convince her to stop the divorce. Anyone can smell the fear in your posts. Your wife can probably sense it in your voice and texts. The pressure is smothering her. I wish I could just tell you to stop it. It's not so easy. That's why divorce-busting is so hard. You have to freakin' analyze every text and communication to try and come across as not needy and loving yet somewhat detached. Good luck with that. Not so easy.
3. I can also tell you that personal change is EXTREMELY hard. What or who exactly are you supposed to become to win your wife back? There's the "new person" you are suppose to become and all that GAL activity that is supposed to be for you and not your wife. (You see you had and "epiphany" and want to completely self-actualize. It's not that you are changing to get your wife to notice -- cough, cough) On the other hand there are things your wife wants you to show her not TELL her, that will convince her the relationship will be new and better. These, I presume, are things you weren't doing before and they are things you will continue to do regularly and flawlessly for the rest of your marriage in order to keep her happy. So, become a new person and live the rest of your life on probation. Tall order, I think. It's not that people can't change. It's not that miracles aren't possible. It's just that the stakes are so high and the real motivation is a reaction to your wife's marital unhappiness. If you get back together, the pressure that caused the "changes" you made will be lessened. And there's a strong possibility your behavior will slip back. If that's the case, you are in for a second cycle of this, and trust me, she won't be so friendly when she files the divorce papers the second time around.
4. From personal experience, personal change was a unicorn that was very hard to catch.. I read and tried so many things to "find myself", get centered, get strong so that I would be the kind of person that would re-attract my wife. What I didn't really look at what the possibility that my wife seriously contributed to our marital problems, too, and that taking on all the responsibility (we don't say we are, but to be honest, we tend to) for the situation is unhealthy. It prevents us from actually having a normal sense of outrage, self-worth and healthy boundaries. We are always screening our conversation and self-editing to the point that we lose a sense of who we are. A spineless milquetoast is not attractive to a WAW.
5. Your wife filed for divorce. Wake up. Stop for a moment and assume you are getting divorced. If this were to happen, what do YOU want, and what's best for your kids? Finances and custody. Think about it. Don't be in denial and face your divorce like a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck. Go speak to a lawyer. Don't try and talk her out of the divorce (it's unattractive and pressuring), but don't, for God's sake, just roll over (also unattractive). Stand up. State what you want. If it's coming to a divorce, let her know what YOU want.
6. You are too desperate and needy at this point to navigate a text-by-text analysis of your communications with your wife. Practice the Last Resort Technique. It will slowly help you regain your dignity. It will make her wonder about you. Be mysterious.
7. Stop and ask yourself, "Do I deserve to be treated this way?" Having your heart broken, treated like a yo-yo husband, your wife making plans and breaking them at will, her constant playing hot and cold with you. This isn't acceptable. You are coddling her and rewarding her with your constant availability and love. Step back. A little sense of self and perspective might help.
8. If you have to do some GAL activity try something mind-expanding, adventurous and crazy. Rock or mountain climbing, boxing, Karate, Kick-Boxing. Thy help you practice one-mind (extreme focus), but they also build inner strength, confidence and a kick-ass persona.
