Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

Wait, why are you in bed with her?

After the last separation we were splitting time with me staying the night and not staying the night. Because of her schedule and working late it made it easier and allowed us to be together some of the week and have her not feel overwhelmed by me being in her house all the time. It also allow me time to work on my house.

What do you think quality time means to her?

Quality time for her means planning something that takes thought. Date nights, movies, dinners together at home or out. Fires in the back yard, cuddling and talking with wine. Things like that.

I'd stay away from telling her anything about what she needs to do. You may be 100% right but you're the last person she wants to hear that from. Remember you're the one who didn't change for all those years and now you're hinting that she needs to. Minefield.

This I understand. It would be the equivalent of telling her that she is insane and I do not have any problems.

Has she asked for help from you? Proceed with extreme caution.

This is a grey area. I am not sure if she is asking for help or not. Sometimes I feel she is, and then I make a suggestion, then she says things are only on my terms. If I don't make a suggestion then she feels things are not changing or progressing. At least that is the feeling I get from her.

Crystal ball stuff. She doesn't even know what she needs.

Agreed, I need to stop my Mr. Fix-it routine with this (gonna be hard to do).

Just say, I have these tickets, would you like to go with me? If she says no, drop it.

I like that, simple and to the point.

You don't know she would have an excellent time. You hope she would.

Yes, definitely more accurate.

It seems you want to make this all better by sheer force of will. It won't happen, she has to come to it on her own and that's only by your consistent actions.

I have been and will continue to do consistent actions. If I can keep from pressuring her, then I could string together multiple weeks of consistent actions without heart ache, at least I hope it would go that way.

I try not to mind read about anyone but being a woman I could guess that she made her mind it was over because she for years has been dealing with "everything being your way." When she finally gathered the courage to make her break, you decided to change and now she's filled with all these conflicting emotions. She's afraid to open her heart to you because this might be a ploy just to get the marriage, not necessarily Her, back. Or perhaps a version of this has played out in your past and she is leary.

I think you are spot on with that. Also she felt I didn't care or even try in our M before. Now that it seems to be done she feels that I am reactionary and just trying to save it.

Mind reading here: I think the whole 80/20 rule is also coming into effect here. (80% of the issue being from things in your past, 20% from being in the current situation). Her father and mother would have big fights yearly with her mom leaving sometimes. The only time her mother ever got flowers, etc was when her father f'd up. This became an issue in our M. When she would ask for something I would try to find the "magic" time to do it for her. The day after did not work because she felt it was reactionary (for good reason). A week after it was still tender. Two weeks after and it was too late, etc. I would get frustrated and give up because if she mentioned something she needed or wanted in our M and then I provided it, it seemed to always have a negative connotation to it. She would not see that I was doing it because 1 she wanted it and 2 I wanted to lovingly provide it to her.

Go, you have to figure out who you want to be, and be that without the carrot on the stick being your W returning to the M. Who do you want to be? What is your personal mission statement? What are your values? What is really important to you and how do you show that? Let those things be your guide and maybe your W will see that you're a man worth taking a chance with.

I have been thinking a lot about these questions for the past year. The basic answer is I want to be someone who lets those he cares about know it, through words and actions. This applies to W, kids, moms, dads, g-pa, g-ma, friends, etc. I was never an emotionally open person before and I like the way it feels now.

My family comes first, work is no longer my top priority.

I will find happiness in my life outside of work success, which was a big issue and I have been working on for quite some time. I think I have made big progress here. Thanks Shawn Achor.

I also want to be a selfless giver. I have always taken a back seat in relationships and let others do the planning. Friends, family, wife, mom, all of them took the reigns and I was used to it. Reviewing my R with these people in this light makes me understand how they might feel I don't care about them. No more waiting for people to call or contact me or plan things. I have an opinion and the options to make things happen, and I like it.