Some friends brought up to me that I should get out and start dating. I've though of that myself a few times and, not to sound weak, but the thought made me feel queasy. There is no way I could be with someone else. I haven't been in 17 years and don't really want to be.
But its been months since I have had any simple romantic affection. To me, that was always a key part of a relationship and my life. I'm a huggy snuggler who loves to steal a peck. A romantic, if you will. I miss it so much. While I could certainly try to find it elsewhere, I only want to give it - or receive it - from one person. A person who wants nothing to do with me.
I've wondered of late if I am simply obsessed with what I can't have. I don't think so. I have always felt this passionately about my wife. Every marriage goes through its ebbs and flows, but I am sure there was never a time, not one day, that I could say that I didn't love my wife. And, for the vast, vast majority of our marriage, I have been very much in-love with her.
Maybe its the romantic in me, but I always believed that love was supposed to conquer all. Maybe it's because I came from a rather screwed up childhood, that I always longed for that to be a truism in my life. My faith in that idea has been shaken to it's core and may be forever lost at this point.
As I mentioned somewhere above, I loved being a husband and dad. As part of a family unit. I really enjoyed that as my life-role. I guess I wasn't as good at it as I had thought. But I was sincere about any positive changes I made that I made. I just wish i would have understood the importance of the things I didn't work on or work on enough. I guess I really believed that love would always see us through, no matter what. I'm hoping, somewhere down the line, I can check the box that says 'true' next to that sentiment.
I guess I'm just venting a bit. I've been running a fever for a couple of days and I'm not quite right in the head, heh heh. Or, as my Mother in Law would sometimes say, 'I'm just putting it out into the universe'.
