Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[labug]

Thanks Bug.

I have dialed back the physical touch. We haven't kissed on the lips in a month. Held hands maybe twice. Hugged maybe once a visit. Cuddle two or three times in bed. I completely understand the need to back off there.

Wait, why are you in bed with her?

Her LLs are quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts; mine are the opposite, physical touch and words of encouragement. Ha!

I'ts common for partners to have th opposite in LLs.

What do you think quality time means to her? My H and I have very different views on QT. For me it's going to dinner or a movie, short getaways. For him it could be sitting at home, watching TV. If your version of QT and hers are completely different, that just rubs salt in the wounds.

I have slowly been saying that only she can work on herself, just not flat out in those words.

I'd stay away from telling her anything about what she needs to do. You may be 100% right but you're the last person she wants to hear that from. Remember you're the one who didn't change for all those years and now you're hinting that she needs to. Minefield.

I told her months ago that she needs to forgive me and that is something I cannot help her with. I did get a good recommendation for a forgiveness book from my coach, I may suggest that to her.

Has she asked for help from you? Proceed with extreme caution.

My feeling is she needs to feel good about where we are with our M for more than a week or two. A full month would maybe help her see that the change is something she can believe in.

Crystal ball stuff. She doesn't even know what she needs.

I will have to find the right words and time to ask what convincing would look like to her.

I'd wati for her to bring it up again.

Would inviting her to go to the concert be pursuing or pressuring?

Just say, I have these tickets, would you like to go with me? If she says no, drop it.

I know we would have an excellent time, I got the tickets 6 months ago and the concert is on our calendars. Maybe 're-extending the invitation needs to be done.

You don't know she would have an excellent time. You hope she would.

It seems you want to make this all better by sheer force of will. It won't happen, she has to come to it on her own and that's only by your consistent actions.

I try not to mind read about anyone but being a woman I could guess that she made her mind it was over because she for years has been dealing with "everything being your way." When she finally gathered the courage to make her break, you decided to change and now she's filled with all these conflicting emotions. She's afraid to open her heart to you because this might be a ploy just to get the marriage, not necessarily Her, back. Or perhaps a version of this has played out in your past and she is leary.

Go, you have to figure out who you want to be, and be that without the carrot on the stick being your W returning to the M.

Who do you want to be? What is your personal mission statement? What are your values? What is really important to you and how do you show that?

Let those things be your guide and maybe your W will see that you're a man worth taking a chance with.