Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[sandi2]

W: I can't understand why I wasn't worth the effort before?
M: You were always worth the effort, I know it didn't feel that was before.

I think this would have been a good place for you to take ownership (unless you have already done this repeatedly). "You were always worth the effort. I was the one who failed there. I can't go back and redo it. I wish I could."

W: I don't know how to feel better
M: I can see how all of this could have you (feeling) that way

Do you think she is talking about herself in general, or feel better about the relationship? If it is her feelings in general......that seems terribly weak to me. Why wouldn't she reach out somewhere, to someone (professional) to deal with her anger?

If she keeps going back to that answer of she just doesn't know how to feel better, maybe you could agree with her and say, "I suppose you don't" and see how she reacts to it. There's a possibility she wants you to argue and tell her how she can feel better. But it sounds more like a weak response instead of a solid reason. It takes no work/effort, she doesn't have to "think" by saying she doesn't know how.

The point is, she is responsible for her own happiness. When I finally accepted that fact, it took a lot off my H and was placed squarely on my shoulders. Maybe you need to stop trying to make her happy. Stop trying to fix her. Stop trying to be her "everything". She has to want to be happy enough to do something about it. Happiness seldoms runs after us and pounces on us. At the present time, her obsession over the anger is greater than her desire to feel better. That is her decision. As long as you are available to be her target (or life coach), when will she take charge of her own emotions?

W: Never mind. I need to go to sleep. I don't want you just to agree with everything I say. I'm an idiot

Are you sure she didn't say she was no idiot? B/c a W can tell when her H is just agreeing with her, but doesn't really believe it. Maybe she was saying she was an idiot for listening, but that's mind reading.

W: I feel like everything is always on your terms. Maybe that's because I don't make any

She is at least recognizing she doesn't offer any. She doesn't like it that it all seems on your terms, but she's angry that she doesn't use her voice.

W: We have no time for moments. I want you to convince me that things can be different instead of saying it and

Well.......there it is. She thinks you are all talk and no action.

Like many LBH'S, you do want to talk a lot. Many times your answers are way too long b/c you are still trying to convince her to give you another chance. Many times the LBH will almost sound self-righteous in his attempts to get his message across that he is really working on himself to change. You try to convince her through talk that it will be different. She is sick of talk. She doesn't want to talk, either. Which, is common for a WAW not to want to rehash their problems.......WHEN they are suppose to be piecing. Many want to start over without fixing what is broken.

Stop trying to win her back. By stopping, you will end your smothering and pressure on her. Your conversation will change. You are totally obsessed of winning her back before she serves you with D papers. I think it is doing yourself harm.