Kimmerz, I do hope that you and your girls are doing okay. I'm very sorry to read about your grandmother and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that she loved you very much and will always be w/you in spirit and in your heart.
Your xh's situation sounds like the one that my xh was in. He was also lovey dovey w/his w (ow) in public, as well as they both gained a lot of weight. My xh was Mr. Chatty Cathy too when she wasn't around. Keep in mind, that they will turn themselves inside out to be the person that the op wants. They so want to be wanted and needed and viewed as not only a good person, but also a victim in the last relationship.
I think that they want to remain friends, i.e., on their level, to appease their guilt, but also in case they need us for something. Some do like to keep a toe in both ponds, but they are few and far between. They want to look like the good guy and be able to tell others that they are on a friendly basis with the ex and by doing so, they are kept informed of what you are doing, as well as the kids.
It's interesting how your daughters are interacting w/him. Your oldest daughter is very much aware of what he's done and is doing. She is the one that has remained distant because of the situation. He can't win her over. Whereas your D12 may still enjoy being around him and doesn't question him about the things he does. She goes along w/his program and her interaction w/him and the new wife may not rock his boat and challenge him.
I'm going to give you just a little bit of advice and you can take it or leave it...don't share too much of your life w/him. He still wants to know what's going on in your world. The next time he contacts you, notice how he chats up about what he's doing, i.e., in the hopes that you'll share. My xh has done this and it's a way to manipulate you into sharing. Share only things about your children or if you have questions about something he's worked on in the past.
To be perfectly honest, there is no rhyme or reason as to why they do the things they do. If I were you, I'd count my lucky stars that he's at least being somewhat friendly these days because some of them remain angry and bitter for a very long time. Your xh is exhibiting behavior very similar to others who have gone before you. Try not to over analyze his behavior because there truly isn't a one size fits all answer for their behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
