The DB MLC threads have been on my mind the past few weeks. Im doing well, still keeping on keeping on. Still working towards finding a new job for my old job has become just a miserable work place unfortunately. D 15 and D 12 are doing great, on honor roll and loving school.
Interactions with EXh have been more than normal lately. Im still noticing patterns with him 4 years later. I had hoped to share these patterns and to get a little feed back from you so as to help me not feel insane. Because even though my life is moving forward and Im doing well, the man still baffles me which still tends to drive me batty. And the basis of it all is I still get mixed messages and still to this day don't know where I stand with that man. To add some things, it's clear Exh will contact me and be very talkative when the new wife is NOT AROUND. I've tested this theory in purposely texting him when I know he's at home. If she's asleep or out of the room he's chatting with me at lightning speed. If she's around, it's a word or two response or hours before I hear anything back. If I text him on his lunch hour or even while he's at work, well he's just Mr. Chatty Kathy!!
I contacted ex H a few weeks ago for help with my computer, the computer he built for me. I was so lost and wondered if the problems I was having had to do with how he set up passwords. Xh was more than happy to help and advise me in what to do. This is all by text message of course. As we chat, I let him know that my grandmother was expected to pass any time. He then told me his grandmother was expected to pass soon too. I had known she was in the hospital but didn't know how bad she was. As it turned out, our grandmothers both passed on the same day within 10 hours of each other. He was kind in his response to me as well as me to him. It was time for our grandma's. No services for my grandma, for she's safely in the double urn next to my grandpa, here in my home.
I asked Exh if he was ok if I went to his grandmother's service, for the girls wanted to go and so did I! His grandmother always was so kind to me after the divorce and was always happy to see me! He told me it was open to anyone.
So the girls and I went. This is where things get really odd.
I see him with the OW. Well first of all, I gotta say this was a good stroke to me ego! I was jealous of that??? Then what I noticed, was them holding hands and being affectionate, which he never was with me. Ok, so I gotta accept that, but I still found it odd. I was prepared to see them together, but of course given this is the first time I've seen them together as a couple, it did push some buttons, but buttons I was prepared for.
XH didn't acknowledge his daughters at all until D12 went to speak to him and say hello. D15 still not wanting to speak with him stuck to my side, and yet XH didn't even say hello to her, smile at her or even acknowledge her.
So Xh and OW were stuck like glue to each other which I thought was odd. He wasn't socializing with anyone like he normally would do in a family setting like that. This was not the man I used to remember!
The girls and I enjoyed the reception afterwards and it was so nice to see the family I haven't seen in so long. I was warmly greeted and people were generally happy to see me. I needed that because I was so worried I was hated, especially by his Cousin. However she and I shared a warm embrace and comforted each other in the loss of our grandmothers.
Ex H made no point to say good bye to the girls as we left and D12 had to make the effort to physically go to him and say good bye.
Now here I am 2 weeks later at 5 a.m., getting text from D12. She's with him this weekend, and as it turns out OW is having her 7th or 8th grandchild today. They of course visited her in the hospital yesterday but were headed again at 4 a.m. cause her water broke. D12 informs me they're staying till noon or so and she'll just sleep in the waiting room with her dad???
Ok.... this I understand. They have one vehicle, yet it seems OW can no longer drive herself anywhere nor work any job anymore within the last year. Granted she needs to be there for her daughter.... of course she does! But why does my D12 have to be stuck in the waiting room from 4 a.m. when Xh could just go back home and head back to the hospital later? They live 15 minutes from the hospital!!!
So there's my drama. I guess what still pisses me off is that here we are 4 years later and it's almost like he's living a secret life. He secretly talks to me like a friend, but when she's around it's radio silence. And this personal chauffer thing.... I just don't get.
Im seeing some sort of co dependent "whipped" sort of thing going on with those two.
At any rate my friends, Im confused. Is he still trying to keep his toe on this side of the fence? Why does he refuse to try and re connect with D15? Why does he ignore her, when all I've heard from his mother is how heart broken he was by her being upset with him? When she had every right to be and I know he knows this?
His behavior just doesn't make sense, but then again nothing about MLC makes sense.
XH and OW have gained an incredible amount of weight since being together. I've never seen her so big and he's pushing 450 I swear. I wonder if they're eating away their guilt?
Everything you describe shows a continued level of immaturity on the part of your husband. I would not read anything into or invest any time in it. He is acting towards your 15 year old much like my wife family is acting towards ours. Like him, they are waiting on my girls to reach out and contact them. Make you wonder who the adults are in this situation. My daughters see right through it and have decided not to waste their time on it. Your husband is handling things wrong with your D15. Make sure you are her rock and always there for her.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Kimmerz, I do hope that you and your girls are doing okay. I'm very sorry to read about your grandmother and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that she loved you very much and will always be w/you in spirit and in your heart.
Your xh's situation sounds like the one that my xh was in. He was also lovey dovey w/his w (ow) in public, as well as they both gained a lot of weight. My xh was Mr. Chatty Cathy too when she wasn't around. Keep in mind, that they will turn themselves inside out to be the person that the op wants. They so want to be wanted and needed and viewed as not only a good person, but also a victim in the last relationship.
I think that they want to remain friends, i.e., on their level, to appease their guilt, but also in case they need us for something. Some do like to keep a toe in both ponds, but they are few and far between. They want to look like the good guy and be able to tell others that they are on a friendly basis with the ex and by doing so, they are kept informed of what you are doing, as well as the kids.
It's interesting how your daughters are interacting w/him. Your oldest daughter is very much aware of what he's done and is doing. She is the one that has remained distant because of the situation. He can't win her over. Whereas your D12 may still enjoy being around him and doesn't question him about the things he does. She goes along w/his program and her interaction w/him and the new wife may not rock his boat and challenge him.
I'm going to give you just a little bit of advice and you can take it or leave it...don't share too much of your life w/him. He still wants to know what's going on in your world. The next time he contacts you, notice how he chats up about what he's doing, i.e., in the hopes that you'll share. My xh has done this and it's a way to manipulate you into sharing. Share only things about your children or if you have questions about something he's worked on in the past.
To be perfectly honest, there is no rhyme or reason as to why they do the things they do. If I were you, I'd count my lucky stars that he's at least being somewhat friendly these days because some of them remain angry and bitter for a very long time. Your xh is exhibiting behavior very similar to others who have gone before you. Try not to over analyze his behavior because there truly isn't a one size fits all answer for their behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Greetings! I am fairly new to this, so I don't know that I have that much to offer. I have read some of your sich in the past, but I can't exactly remember.
However, I feel compelled to post, as some of you questions are the exact same I've had this week.
Quote:
Is he still trying to keep his toe on this side of the fence?
As of late, I've experienced some monster behavior. Prior to this is was reaching out trying to be "niceish" (for lack of a better word).
But I question this, too. Why the heck does he even bother if he has a new life? What exactly does he want from me? Is that what you wonder? It is hard to find your place in his life with the current sich, right?
The affection part and driving Ms. Daisy... well, I think that is probably just unhealthy codependency and insecurity. And there is a reason for them both to be insecure in there r, right?
And if they can't keep the hands off at a funeral, in front of his kids, who are obviously still upset about the sitch, it is just sick. They need to do that because they aren't strong enough to do otherwise. Just like your xh isn't strong enough to address his own d's!
The contact with you while ow is away... I pretty much have gotten the same thing for months. Good or bad. Again, insecurity in themselves and in their r. Obviously ow would not be comfortable with it- again, for obvious reasons.
Although I offer no real insight into the mlc, because, it is a weird, crazy, wild thing, that I don't think I have the capacity to really understand.... I understand the confusion to the lbs.
It will be interesting to see what others say about this. Good luck. It sounds like you and the girls are doing well. Good for you.
Sometimes fathers are intimidated by their teenage daughters because they are becoming young women. He can't hide his true behavior any longer as D is becoming much more aware of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, etc.
He may simply be afraid because she is wiser.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
It was so good to come home from work and see these posts! I truly appreciate it! I just needed a little validity and some advice!
Thank for job for the condolences on my grandma. She was 94 but had been slowly declining from dementia the past 20 years. It's been a rough road with her. She went from knowing me, to not knowing me and thinking I was her daughter she had a horrible relationship with. Then she got to the point she could no longer walk or feed herself, but then she recognized me! She couldn't make sensible conversation, but she knew me, and was happy to see me, and that's all I cared about! The last conversation I had with her was one week before she died. She was so happy to see me, and we had our connection for about 3 minutes and then she fell asleep. It meant the world to me.
I agree with everything you all stated in the posts. Yep, total immaturity, and my 15 year old has his number allright! And she won't have any of it! D12 just seems ok to keep on going, yet she's not really thrilled with OW. She doesn't rock the boat.... quite yet! Give her another year or two and I bet she will!
You know Exh ignored his children infront of everyone at that service, especially his family. For that Im grateful, maybe they all can actually see with their own eyes what he's really been like instead of him feeding BS to them all.
I guess Im still baffled at times because the behavior still seems so irrational at times. Quite frankly I can't get over the fact that an MLCer would turn themselves inside out to please someone like that just to be needed and feel special! To the point of making themselves WHIPPED!!
What a waste of time! How about owning your mistakes, learn from them and move on? Oh hell, now that would just make too much logical sense now wouldn't it?
Well this site and everyone here has saved my sanity and continues to do so. I guess the good news is, yes it is as crazy as it seems!
Your H clearly has a disease. I don't know which one exactly but he is not functioning as a sober person. Maybe his disease is overeating, maybe its depression, maybe its MLC but he is sick.
His being nice to you sometimes because of his disease. He knows (or believes) that if he is desperate for co-dependent love he can come back to you. This is not something he does consciously.
I really believe many of these men may try to come back when they hit a 2nd bottom. Stay away and protect your kids.
I wouldn't engage in your text chats with him
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
That's very interesting you mention Al anon, for I've been considering going back and have been reading alot online.
Many years ago I did go to Al Anon because I've been around alcoholism ALL MY LIFE. My grandmother, mother, Aunt, step father and his family, and now ex husband and his mother. His mom has become a sad case.
The one thing I've really finally started to grasp about any "addict" is the mentality that it accompanies and how powerless the can become to the addiction. You can still love these people, but you have to accept what their priority is.
My ex is a man that has many "addictions" and does everything to the extreme.... and it comes with mood swings as well. I could never quite figure out if he was having mood swings due to the high his "new" thing was, or if was swinging low and self medicating through drink, food, material things, spending money, partying, etc. I do know he will gravitate to anything that makes him feel good regardless of what it costs him. And I still to this day wonder if he's bi polar.
He never was into drugs, is scared to take a tylenol, and can't drink due to it brining on serious bouts of gout!
So in a sense, his new wife and new family are a whole new high for him. I wonder once it gets ordinary and hectic if he'll start wishing he could leave. But then again who am I to even wonder about that.
I've gotten to the point that I've accepted he didn't love me anymore, moved on and this is the way life is now. But when he comes and goes with this mr nice mr chatty thing, then starts acting completely irrational with our 15 year old, then I get reports from our 12 year old how immature he acts around her, I think to myself " Yeah, he's just F****** crazy!"
Kimmerz, Because he swings back and forth w/being Mr. Nice Guy and acting a bit immature around your daughter(s), you need to step away from him, i.e., only deal w/him on issues that involve your girls. He's toxic and you don't need that in your life. You've come a long way and you and your girls do not deserve this crazy making behavior.
Step far away from him. He has an addictive personality and you may want to meet up w/an Alanon group just to chat and get some added strength from their meetings. As to whether he's on a "high" right now w/his new family, I would say it will wear thin and he'll become bored at some point and you do not want to become the OW in his new situation.
He's toxic. It's okay to be civil, but don't share anything more w/him except what is going on in your daughters' lives. In his mind, he thinks you are right where he left you and can pick up w/you again and again. He doesn't realize that you've grown and now can see life w/o him in a more promising and pleasant way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Alanon has been an awesome help in my life. Along with these boards it truely saved me at the beginning.
One great thing about alanon has been meeting amazing new friends in my area that were going through hard times yet really trying to get through them with grace and love
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
