KGirl con't

[KGirl]

OK. *deep breath*. Conversation done. I don't know if it was 100% dbing, but if nothing else I was authentic, and certainly not crazy. There were some moments where I was teary but I paused and caught my breath and didn't let it escalate into a tantrum.

One of the first things H said was, "well, it's been 6 months and we haven't really talked or seen each other, so I guess it's time we move this forward." Which is concerning to me, like I should have tried to talk to him, maybe? or he felt like that was the only option? Maybe I should have opened more doors? I don't know. I think we cleared the air on that later. He gave me the rundown of what he talked to a lawyer about. He asked me what I thought or wanted to do. I said "Well, I am sad about this, and I still don't want a divorce, but I understand that this is what you want, so I won't stand in your way" and told him I agreed with how he wanted to move forward.

H: I don't mean to make this worse but.... I guess I'm confused as to why you would still want to be married, after all this time?

That's a tough one to answer, huh?

Me: You've been a part of my life for a long time, and I do miss you and want to be married to you. I haven't been talking to you for the past 6 months not because I didn't like you or wanted to be divorced, but because there was really nothing more for me to say, and I know that it was really up to you. I didn't want to spend time chasing you. I needed to start building my own life.. but that didn't mean I gave up on the idea of being married. (So that probably wasn't all dbing but... several of his comments referred to me leaving and giving up, and I wanted to be clear that that was NOT my intent, in case that was driving him to do this. At some point when I was explaining this he said "But you did" referring to me giving up on us.... what the heck?)

H: I guess I understand that, and I'm glad you're figuring out how to live your own life. I didn't want to talk to you to get your hopes up at all. I mean, you were my best friend and I really wanted us to be friends but I understand you don't want to do that because you may want more.

Me: At this time, no, I really can't do the friends thing.

We talked a little more about some of the paperwork and other things that need to be taken care of (insurance, checking accounts, cell phone plan). Then we started talking about other things, that weren't really necessary, and maybe I should have refused to talk about those things, I don't know. But I also figured what could it hurt at this point? And maybe there'd be a slight possibility that chit-chatting with me would make him think a little. Who knows. He said he heard I got a cat and asked about him so we talked about cats for awhile. He asked about my sister's wedding and if she found a dress. He asked about my car. He asked about a lot of things, and maybe I should have asked HIM about some things, but I don't know that he's really done anything for me to ask about. If nothing else it did show me that it would be possible to reconnect and get caught up on each other's lives.

He did say that my mom was acting "crazy" at one point, so that's why he had to defriend her on facebook. According to him, she approached his mom at work (they work together) and asked her about an event she saw photos of on facebook, and then said "So did he talk about his wife at all? Does he ever call his wife?" and got all accusatory. According to MY mom, she just asked about the event and his mom got weird about it. Who knows. I didn't try to defend her or agree, I just said "you know, one of the things I've been thinking a lot about is leaving people to their own cr*p, whether it's people at work or family members. I can't control them, they need to take care of themselves." He said "yeah, I guess I've been thinking a lot about that too." He was also upset because a month or two ago, one of his aunts posted a really sweet and nice comment on one of my photos on facebook. So I messaged her and said "It's really nice of you to still think of me, given the circumstances." and she said "that's what family is for". What H heard was that I wrote to her saying "Why are you commenting on my post, given the circumstances?" It's interesting how things in his family get twisted around like that... and he was upset because he hadn't actually told those people yet!! I would have thought for sure by now all the key people would know. His attitude is that if they want to know why his wife isn't at events, they should ask, because he's not going to outright tell them. And if they try to dance around it and act dumb when they "already know", he's going to give them h*ll. OK, whatever, his problem. Kinda points to some interesting communication issues though, huh?

So we had a pretty friendly conversation for the most part. It was almost 2 hours long, a lot of it was just catching up and talking about things that have happened. Which is OK with me. I don't have any expectations and at least if it's our very last converastion, it ended positively and I feel like I did all I could. He said he'd get in touch once he has the initial petitions set for me to sign. I made it clear that I'll do what needs to be done and fill out my paperwork, but that I am not going to help him with the process or look into things for him beyond that. He was a little weird about that ("Well, I can see why I should have to pay the filing fee because it's my thing but.. it's going to get expensive." I refrained from any comment on that, go me!) but ultimately agreed he would be in charge of getting everything drafted and paying the fees/a lawyer to help draft the settlement part.

At the end I said:
Me: Well, I need to get going. I really do wish you well, and I hope you find what you're looking for. (I still don't know if I do but I can at least act like it, right?)

H: I don't know if I'm really looking for anything.. but... ok.

Me: Well, then I hope you find what you need to be happy. Or whatever you need. I think you get what I'm saying.

H: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry I am the way that I am. And I really do think that eventually, in time, this will be for the best and you'll be better off without me.

Me: Maybe that will be true. Well, goodbye!


I did feel a little better that he didn't try to blame me for anything (aside from a little at the beginning when he said something about ME giving up/walking away... which still makes me wonder if I should have tried to engage more. I don't think so though) and acknowledged that this was really about him. And maybe he is right. Maybe I will be better off. I do wonder about the being friends thing but I think for me at this point it would just be to try to get back into an R and that's too much pressure for either one of us. It would have to be purely to just be friends with no interest in an R.

So, I survived. I was brave. And I didn't ask him why or for a letter