Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

Tough day. Daughters Bday party. Joint family, first life together event since BD.

I didn't do well. I didn't do anything crazy like create drama. The problem is I just didn't do anything. I practically just sat there the whole time without saying anything. I had moments where I played with my kids, talked to my family. But when she would come and sit down within ear shot I just tightened up. I felt like a turtle pulling myself deep within a shell.

This wasnt good DBing from the sense that I was a distanced during the R, and that I wasn't acting happy and outgoing or anything. All I can say is that it was so painful all I could do was endure. It was like I was sitting waist deep in a snake out.

This proves I have a lot more to work on for me. It's not about her. I don't see a her and I ever again. We practically cause each other pain just being around each other (at least she does to me). I suppose in theory that could change but right now I just need to keep letting to and takin care of myself. I look forward to the day I feel about her the way I feel about my 6th grade crush. And obviously I still have problems if this breakup (of a BAD M) still hurts me this much.

I will talk to IC about this. I suppose I should set up another DB coach session. It's been a while but I have just been avoiding the sitch lately. The further I've been the better I've felt. I know it's not helping my chances of R, and I am tryin to walk the balance between stopping my DBing and personal growth, and hanging on. I feel like its gettin tougher sometimes.