I'm sad it's come to this but I'm grateful for the realizations this has brought with it and the opportunity to improve myself and my life. I was pretty lost.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hopefully we can talk on Saturday about how she feels. I just want to listen and my coach guided me on some things to say and not to say and good questions to ask to understand how she feels.
Why do you have to talk about her feelings? How is that different from saying, "Talk about the past and all the ways I let you down"? Stay away from the hornets nest.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I want to know how she goes from enjoying our current relationship to her feeling angry. Then this anger takes her to file for divorce. We had plans and were excited to go on a trip one week ago, and then her anger leads her to the lawyer's office.
I never thought of it as "talk about the past and all the ways I let you down." Now that I see it that way I can see what you are suggesting.
She said she cares about me and feels good about us but working on us makes her angry and she is tired of feeling angry so she filed.
Not sure what moves or actions I have left to try and save this relationship. I thought being emotionally supportive and understanding of her anger would possibly help us feel together more and stall or slow or stop the D process.
High hopes and I am sure an impossibility, but that is why I want to talk about her feelings. To listen and validate and understand and hope she feels something for me.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
If she doesn't volunteer or initiate talking about her feelings, then that leaves you in the position to ask her about it, right? That is pressure to her. Can you understand that? It is one thing for her to want to offer information, and another for you to pry it from her.
Obviously something triggered her anger. If it was that program, or whatever it was, where you were digging up the past.....then she may still be dealing with those emotions. Why on earth would want to press it more?
You may see it as some action to stop the D, but actually, you are pushing it through. For her, discussing her feelings is the same thing as discussing the relationship. She doesn't know how to disquisition between the two. One is connect to the other.
Why can't you just share a nice time together and let her steer the conversations?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If I would have been focused on just having a nice time together then I wouldn't be where I am right now. My pushing to deal with the past made her feel forced or pushed. My mistake that I feel I need to correct. But with your insight into it I can see how there is nothing I can do.
Finding time to enjoy being together may be difficult now that she filed. But I know every interaction is an opportunity. She said she enjoys our time together but working on us hurts.
Thanks for the insight Sandi, I will be backing off and just trying to have enjoyable interactions with her.
I should have stayed calm and let her dictate the pace when she said she didn't know how to move forward. We were no where near a position for piecing. I Definitely misjudged that.
I feel I should apologize for pressuring her with the exercises, but I doubt that is a good idea. It would probably just be for me, not for her.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I really believe you should not even bring up an apology right now, b/c it would be linked with what was done/said......and would defeat your intentions.
Quote:
Finding time to enjoy being together may be difficult now that she filed. But I know every interaction is an opportunity. She said she enjoys our time together but working on us hurts.
Look at it this way, if you get D then you are going to use these last times together as making good memories. You see, that has much more effectiveness with a woman than you trying to get her to change her mind, or have another talk with her. If she can't remember any good times, then leave her with sweet memories now,
Yes, it hurts when the past comes up. It is painful dealing with all of this in piecing. That is why you will need to get a professional to help you both, if she ever decides to try again. But do not mention it now!
You are blessed that she even wants to be around you. Most women in her shoes would be ticked at you pushing all the time, and most who file wouldn't still enjoy spending time with the LBH.
Men often push so hard to stop the D b/c they see it as the end, forever. Maybe it would help you if you stopped looking at it that way. (Again, don't tell her what I am telling you.). You may be able to move on, or you may be able to find your way back to each other. But for gosh sakes stop pushing her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The pushing will stop. I have no other options. She is in the driver's seat and I forgot that. It is her pace.
What I will need help with is if I continue to support her and her schedule as I have been while working on the M. I feel as if I should, show her what she has with me, but my instincts have not always been correct. I can see both sides, helping her and showing her what she has while she has it or showing her what she is losing by not being as flexible and supporting as I have been.
Not being as supportive feels like I would be punishing her, and I know it isn't my job to show her the error of her ways.
Being supportive kind of feels like a doormat, helping out and being flexible for someone who filed for D.
Choices? I think I will continue to support her with the kids and time she needs for school etc unless this is obviously the wrong thing to do.
FYI: we have not talked and I will not initiate contact. She has been playing me in scrabble, that's it.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
