KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I did get out of bed around 11am, took a shower. Then I kind of got stuck there. I got out of the the shower and looked at the curtain and the towels, which were both wedding presents that H and I thoughtfully chose for our registry, and broke down again. I know this is not rational and not my fault and no one judges me for it but I still feel so badly that so many friends and relatives spent money on us and it feels wasted now.. or like I somehow scammed presents out of them.

Hoping to meet the following goals today:
1) Get some sort of high calorie and delicious beverage at Starbucks, along with a pastry
2) Go to Target to look at Christmas trees and pick up the few groceries I absolutely must get.
I usually spend Saturday morning grocery shopping and clipping a bunch of coupons. Just not up for the couponing today, and that's OK, I can give myself a pass on that. I had to leave the Christmas tree behind because it's too big for my space, so finding a smaller one that will fit in my apartment seems like a fun task and hopefully not sad.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next to work through this pain and grief, if anything. Labug - do you do any specific sort of meditation for the type of situation you were in, or is it just general breathing/noticing thoughts type of meditation? I will for sure be making an IC appointment first thing Monday. I haven't been since June. I guess what I'm not sure about is whether to:
A) Still have some hope, because even if he does file it takes 4 months before it becomes final. Several posters have been in the throes of the actual divorce process and things turned around. In labug's case her H said at one point that it was time to get things "settled" but then that never happened. So it's possible that this is not actually going to go through... but if I hope too much I'll be setting myself up for some serious heartbreak and even more grief when it does happen
2) Get the grief work done now, and take care of things I had been putting off while I was "hoping"/standing. Things like actually changing my home address at work, putting in a USPS change of address, closing our joint checking account, splitting up our family phone plan (thinking about having to go to US Cellular with him to do that makes me nauseous, I hope there's a way to do it without us both being present), and maybe hardest in some ways... going through the boxes I have of relationship and wedding mementos and really putting those to rest. Right now if I look at those I'll just feel angry, so I'm wondering if I should wait to do that until a time where I can actually appreciate them or remember them as good memories... if such a time ever comes?

I am worried about my state of mind right now, so I'm hoping it's temporary and will become better in a few days, but if not maybe I need some more help (like in the form of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, I don't know). Thinking about going to do anything, even getting a Christmas tree, makes me think "Why even bother? This is all pointless. None of that matters." I know that is a big red flag and I need to be aware and keep people in the loop because I don't want this to spiral out of control. And I'm letting H's ideas cloud my reactions to that.. when the first BD came and I told him I felt like life wasn't worth it without him he said I was playing games and trying to manipulate him into staying by saying I'd hurt myself. I *think* that is not an unusual reaction when something terrible happens, as long as it's not sustained and you figure out how to cope with it, but his reaction makes me feel cr*ppier like I'm being manipulative, and I know I'm not. I don't care to tell him how I'm feeling. Must not let him determine my worth!