Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Jefe]

I told you a while back your greatest asset is your heart and your capacity for love and forgiveness. But your greatest liability is the need to be vindicated when you believe you have been wronged....

....Change starts with ourselves because we can't change others.

Try to identify where your missteps occurred, why they occurred and what you can do to stop them from happening again. Then take action.

You're not doing as terrible as you think you think you are.

Hard to see from my vantage point.

I think I have further identified some of my behavior patters that helped get us to this explosive state, a further extension of:
"Hope, I know your trying to make an A/B observation on her lashing episodes. The other day you said she always withdraws before she lashes, not true. That's just how it has happened lately.

What I did today is the correlation. I am extremely fortunate that I did not receive lashing in return, and I still may, the day isn't over yet. The only reason I did not this morning is because I caught it quickly, apologized, and did not escalate it along with her which is my normal pattern. We keep poking back at each other till there is nowhere else to go but up and out."

We were working towards reconciliation until I stared pressing about Roger (OM1) and pressing and even made some threats about calling his girlfriend etc. It started to rapidly deteriorate from there. At that time I was monitoring the phone logs continuously throughout the day. I identified Johnny within the first text** (which she was more than likely trying to find out more information about the APA team that played on Monday nights). I got very inquisitive about Johnny and she was wanting to know why I was tweaking on him out of all of the team members. They texted more, I flipped more. I called her telling her I knew she was up to something. Being very insecure and overbearing while have NO real intel. It was the next day she started talking divorce. It would be another week before I found this place. A lot of damage was done by both parties in that week. But I see my place in it.

So, now we're walking through the nuclear fallout. I have made the decision to save my marriage. I have made the decision to change my behavior, not to "keep" her but because generally I've been an a$$ and I want my childeren to have a better father and my friends and family to enjoy being around me.

Just some observations.


**Side note about having your phone number on your FB page. I can find you using your phone number even if you have it selected as hidden. In other words, if I type in a phone number into the FB search field if it is tied to anyone in any fashion, hidden or not, it will parse a result. Thanks Johnny.