Answering your question, did I find it difficult to be myself around H? Over time, yes. At first? I didn't think so. It was a slow, unnoticeable shifting. His depression worsened, I became more insecure, our circumstances were strained... I felt him pulling away, and I feared that.
Then I made decisions based on that fear....(refer to my previous post.)
I don't want to live there again. I won't allow myself to get so lost, knowing what I know now. I slip back and have bad days. I still need lots of help. I just know where to return now. It's rather awesome.
I see you are still being a bit hard on yourself here, yes? I can tell you, you're doing all the things that will get you through this to the other side. It doesn't feel like it at the time. Your growth is happening inside where no one can see it. Not even you. But make no mistake, it is happening. It truly is.
When I first came on, I soon realized this forum wasn't just a place to vent. It was shocking to me, all the people who suffer, due to someone else's suffering. Equally shocking, yet wonderful, was the beauty in all of the help people were so willing to offer. I didn't feel deserving of this kindness back then.
So we get here, and learn what we can not change about the other person, we begin to look at ourselves. For me, there was nothin' better to do. Might as well.
I knew I needed to work on things. I knew enough to know that concept. I just couldn't quite make it stick.
uR can back this up....I may have been....ummmm...... A teeny tiny bit impatient. I wanted to get it so badly. I knew there was something I needed to learn. I was always one to pick things up quickly. So why not this?
I wanted to stop hurting and I knew that "getting it" would help me, if I can wrap my head around these 10,000,000 DB things, including facts, time frames, causes, behaviors, histories, theories, monitor monitor monitor, 180, no-contact.....well, you see.
I thought that was a recipe for bringing my H back. If I could learn those things, I could kind of manipulate the situation to get him to look at me again. Then he would of course come back just like in the movies.....It didn't quite work as I had hoped.
Did he look at me again? Oh, yes. He still does when he can. Did his behavior toward me improve? Absolutely. Amazingly better. Did I begin to come out of the dark despair? OMG, yes. Life saving stuff. Did he come back apologizing, showing me how he has grown as a man, and worked through all of his issues so we can have a healthy M going forward?
Not yet. All the books and DBing in the world can not control what another person does.
The truth is......he's not ready. And neither am I. I see that now.
So, the positive changes, and DB principles were unbelievably effective. I learned so much I didn't know I was learning, while attempting to lure my H back. I thought I had to be super-student to get this.
There was nothing wrong with that, though. It taught me what I needed to know. It got me to the place where I was knowledgeable enough to feel stronger. And keep going.
I was very hard on myself, because I felt I should be able to just do this. Why can't I get it? I was internally scolding myself, that this is all stuff I should already know.
That's when I learned an entirely new lesson. I will learn when I'm ready to learn. And not a minute before.
You are getting there, Ss. You are still new in this. We laugh that this slap in the face is considered a gift..... It truly is. The slap shatters our world and as we pick up the pieces, we discover some really cool stuff. You are the gift. Find it. It's there. I promise.
I'm also thinking about my values, my core values and I want to live in a way where I'm not wavering on them depending on who I am around.
So,
What are those values?
Why do you think you waver?
Why does it depend on who your around?
Who are the people that influence you this way?
What are some other things you would like to change?
Quote:
I hate that I throw some of my values under the bus when I'm around people who have different values just so I can fit in. Who is THAT woman? That's not me. SO not me!!
H texted me this morning asking to meet at Starbucks to give D her medicine. We meet and he says he is interested in getting some boots he has been looking at from bar. So I offer to go there with him to get them with my employee discount (as my spouse, he gets the discount too).
He hurt his foot while walking around in NY...seems he may have a stress fracture (from walking??) so he's limping and hobbling.
A little history: H is never minority injured. When he's in pain or sick it's always at 11 and he needs pain killers and to see a doctor. I don't know whether he is just physically fragile or whether he has no pain threshold but whatever.
On the drive to the mall he was calculating when he could take his next pain pill out loud, very attention seeking if you ask me.
I don't want to belittle his pain, which I was known to do in our marriage young it is hard to believe he is in excruciating pain all the time, you know. Headaches, foot pain, hip pain, back pain, neck pain... All at 11 on a pain scale so it's hard not to mentally roll my eyes about it all. Plus he's very verbal about it, which just isn't my style. If my foot hurts and I can't walk around the mall, I'll say, "my foot really hurts, I think I should stay off it". He wants to be seen as the fighting hero, but dude, it's boots at the mall, you're not saving the world here by hobbling on your foot but it's not a battle I want to fight with him so I said nothing.
We talked about the upcoming week's schedule. D is off on Monday and Tuesday but I work both days. Something he has never had to face in her whole life. Whenever D has had a day off school he has NEVER had to rearrange his schedule. Things are different now that I have a job outside of the house.
He said his mom could watch her. I told him I was uncomfortable with that given that in the past, d has been found IN THE ROOF while in their care. They can't drive her around and aren't diligent enough to keep her safe. His father is infirm and his mom can't keep up and gets tired easily. Not a good babysitting situation for a very active and adventurous 7-year old.
He didn't like me putting my foot down but eventually agreed. No arguing or even harsh words. Just me calmly stating that her safety is paramount and it's not when she is with his parents.
He seemed super stressed out by the situation and my instinct has always been to "fix" it and make it easier on him. Instead, I decided to sit mindfully in the moment trusting that a good solution would come about and that stressing about it would only cloud my head.
Low and behold, H said he'd take those two days off if I could manage the rest of the week so he could work longer hours those days. No problem!!
Wow. What an amazing thing to witness. We both handled the situation well, but I chose not to let his stress make me react, give too much of myself so I become resentful and hurry through the discomfort to fix the problem.
I'm so impressed with myself. Hahaha!
Also, I came home from work last night and two of our three stools under the counter were gone. H asked if he could use them at his apartment over a month ago. He decided to take them while I was out of the house yesterday and not mention it.
I approached him about it this morning very casually and I could tell he got defensive at first but I could also see he tried to understand. He said he'd let me know next time he came into the house when I wasn't home.
I feel like that's a common sense boundary and for the sake of avoiding confrontation I'd have said nothing but harbored a lot of hurt and resentment about it until I just exploded.
I feel like it's a tiny bit of cake eating. Yes, your name is on Title of the house but you no longer live here so you don't get to just come and go as you please just as I don't enter without permission into his apartment (not that I've been invited to even see it). And to not even mention it, like in a text. "Hey, is it ok if I take those stools, I noticed you're not home but I'm available to get them now". That would have been just fine!
Anyway, I think I did a good job of handling that.
Photo session tonight with a difficult client. She just emailed me yesterday saying her 7-year old broke his arm but they still want to go forward with the session. Ouch! Poor little guy.
Proud of you Ss!. It's so rewarding to notice your own changes... and how that can change dynamics in a R.
And I get the come and go as you please thing. My H eas taken aback when I requested that he knock instead of just entering my home when he came to visit D. They are funny creatures these WAS!
Thanks, Claire! It is very rewarding to see my own changes and it's fascinating to see the impacts on others.
I'm practicing another change tonight.
I'm going to this photo session knowing it'll be difficult and I'll be chasing a 7 and 5-year old around like a mad woman but I'm going to enjoy it. I'm the master of capturing kids personalities and these kids have personality in spades so I'm going to rock it instead of dreading it.
Session went great! What usually takes about an hour and 10 minutes I finished in 45 with smiles on everyone's faces including mine. Done and done.
Woo hoo!!!
Plus, on my way home I thought about a way to start and implement my personal photography project that I've been wanting to do for years but had no idea how to get started or how to put out there. Figuring that out feels good. Can't wait to get started!!!
I call D at 7:45, a little later than our usual call time. H answers and says D isn't ready to talk yet that they'll call in a few minutes. I knew this meant they were still out with her friends from the movie hey saw at 3:00 pm.
She calls and we're talking. It's now 8 pm and she hasn't eaten dinner.
She says they are at the house because H needs to charge his car over night here so we can drive to the karate tournament tomorrow morning at 5:30 am.
She comes to the door, I get a big hug and says she wants to stay with me tonight. She asks H and asks if he is offended. He says no and if it so with me it's fine with him.
I start to make her a quick dinner and then start to run a bath while H starts in on why we have to be at the tournament so early. I explain that the black belt people are sparring at 8 am and it takes a long time to get there. He asks why we have to see the black belt people and I can feel myself getting annoyed. It's clear he doesn't want to go which is FINE but he won't say it. He just wants it to go down his way which is that we just go for D's events and leave. Well she would like to see the black belters and for a 2.5 hour drive I don't want to just be there for an hour for her events.
My instinct is to give him that out, tell him he can skip it or just show up for her events and I'll drive her down alone. It's not that big of a deal. I don't want to deal with his moodiness about the whole thing.
Then he starts in on texting a babysitter for my on Monday. I said, "I thought you said you'd watch her" to which he replied, "but it's not my day, it's your day."
Oh I see.
What an absolute arse.
I went upstairs to give D a bath so she would smell and look clean for her tournament that she has been looking forward to for over a month and H just walked out.
Whatever.
No dinner. No bath. No reasonable bedtime before a big day.
Wth??
But he can't make himself available on Monday because it's "my day"? I'm the only member of this family currently employed.
I am absolutely sure I didn't handle all this the best way I could have but in the moment given all the last minute stuff (d sleeping here tonight, last minute dinner, last minute bath, etc) I think I did ok. Just ok.
I'm not looking forward to 2+ hours in the car with him tomorrow.
