I always have mine close by. This is the list I keep next to my bed. I also have it saved on my phone.
When I made my list, I realized how much of this was lost, because I gave it away. Quite freely, as it turns out.
In order to move through this, you'll have to find out who you really are, deep in your core. Who is the real Ss?
Before the R. Before the M. Before being mom. Before any job.
When you lose sight of who you really are, you begin to react to things from a place of fear. Fear-based reactions and decisions, are seldom those that serve us well.
Reactions that are based on emotion are reactions that are NOT based on who you really are.
What that means, is when you react? You are taking away the things about yourself, from that list, that no one else can take.
That's how you lose who you are. And then, you become afraid to be who you are.
So, the list....use it to guide you. Determine exactly who you want to be.
What things about yourself do you want to keep?
What are your values that you are not willing to sacrifice no matter what?
What are you willing you put up with?
Who is the person you want to be able to look back on in 40-50 years?
When you get a clear picture of who that is, and what that looks like, it becomes effortless to make decisions based on who you are. The fear falls away.
When I decided who I was and who I wanted to be, I started "practicing" on people.
Not for their reaction, though. For me.
What happened, was that people began to see me differently. They TREATED me differently. It was quite amazing how that worked.
I'm excited for you to see this. I have a feeling you have tasted this before. It's even yummier now.
Go into this and experiment with zero expectations from other people. Just for you.
One of my favorite, loving dagger-type comments by T to me, was, "IF you don't have any clue who you are and what you want....how can you expect that in return for yourself?"
Goes back to the true friends thing, doesn't it?
Tomorrow, take your pretty little quick-witted self out there and have some fun. Set one goal. Try to show one specific thing, and see how others respond.
Remember who that girl is. Get to know that list. Go get it.
I feel silly sometimes needing a how-to on getting to know myself but you speak straight to my soul and break it down into pieces I'm able to chew... And you explain the why, which I need, too.
You're a true delight. Thank you.
I'd like to keep that whole list but I'd like to add to it. There are some qualities I'd like to be able to claim that I can't right now.
I'm also thinking about my values, my core values and I want to live in a way where I'm not wavering on them depending on who I am around. I hate that I throw some of my values under the bus when I'm around people who have different values just so I can fit in. Who is THAT woman? That's not me. SO not me!!
I can't wait to practice on people, shining. Mostly on myself.
I'm curious, did you find it difficult to BE your best self around H? Almost as if he just brought out the old you? That's an issue for me to deal with down the road but I can definitely see me slipping back into old reactions like a dirty habit.
But first, practice on me.
I'm excited.
Two weeks ago I was literally on the floor and all of you have reached down and picked me up, encouraged me and patted me on the back. I feel so much gratitude. Thank you all.
Card, the grass is always greener. What I wouldn't give for some cooler weather (it was 91 today!!!) and some good rain. I miss wearing sweaters and it being cold enough to make it tough to talk while standing outside. I'd sure like to have green grass and not have my water rationed. It's beautiful here but I'm an east coast girl at heart and man, do I miss it! The positive note is though that they keep it a chilly 67 degrees at work, so I can wear a sweater because to me that's close to freezing.
I do love the cold. I love all of the seasons and think I would really miss them if I ever lived in a more "steady" climate. But there are always 2-3 nasty weeks this time of year that are just no fun. Leaves are mostly fallen, it's raining and cold. Not cold enough for snow, just cold enough to get sick. Everything a little too wet to rake leaves, etc. Let it get a little drier or colder and I'll be good
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
SS, here's what I learned. I try to be my best self each day. Most days I make it, but some I dont. That's ok, though. I just strive to do better.
The thing about all this is that once you figure out who you are and who you want to be, you become it. Not right away. It's a process.
Soon, though, you just are.
Did I revert back to the old me around my xh? Yea, for a long time. It was what I knew. It was my comfort zone. I could do that Ur with my eyes closed.
Til I learned differently. Til I owned who I was. Then, nope, I no longer did that around anyone.
The real reason is....because I really like me.
I am excited for you, too, SS. Really excited.
You will get to where you need to be when you get there. I believe completely in this process. I believe that we are always exactly where we are supposed to be.
So, jump in, sweetie. It's gonna be a heck of a ride.
Well, the universe has amazing timing and is showing me it is really taking care of me.
I got am email today stating I am not even being granted an interview for the job up north. Yes, I'm peeved and frustrated but aside from that, the universe is saying I need to stay in SoCal. Be it for my daughters school or for my silly Br job or maybe for my future marriage, whatever it is, I get the message loud and clear because my resume is geared right toward that job and I still didn't get an interview. It's not for me.
The timing is also good because if I'd read that news two weeks ago, or even a week ago I'd be letting it determine my value. I read the email, took a deep breath, spent about 3 minutes wondering HOW and WHY I didn't even get an interview and then realized how grateful I'm in the emotional space I am right now to handle this as just another thing, instead of an earth crumbling let down.
Guess what? I'm not taking it personally.
I'm hearing loud and clear that I'm supposed to stay here. I'm supposed to keep working on what I'm doing and not run away for comfort.
It's their loss and right now, BRs gain. Lol
And I'm learning that the job market in my area is really rough because there are three recent college grads working at BR who can't get jobs in their chosen profession. It doesn't make me feel better but the reality is, jobs are tough to get right now.
D is at H's and I feel guilty that I'm glad of that fact tonight. To be home after a long day on my feet to a glass of wine, a hot shower and the opportunity to sleep all the way through the night (d doesn't sleep through the night and since S she sleeps with me). I hate that she's not in her own bed every night though. I really hate that.
glad to hear about your PMA through that news. Their loss! And don't for a second feel guilty about relaxing and enjoying the night for what it is. Of course if you had the choice, you'd have D7. But it's not up to you, so you're making the best of it. Plus, every great parent craves a night like that every so often!! Rest up
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
