Here's more from 25's post, should've put it all in there to start. Good advice for you!
Quote:
Sometimes the WAS/MLC will say something that reveals to us how different their experience was AND OR that we played a role in hurting them even if we were not the only cause.
A good response to first learning this, is "Wow, I'm so sorry I hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." It CAN be okay to add in, that you did not know. But that can lead you to places you don't want...
IF they say something you really disagree with (or cannot recall at all), you can say essentially the same thing as above
But insert first: "Wow, that's not how I recall it all , but I"m sorry IT hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
Both responses accept that YOU would make some changes, (so the marriage would be better/different than the one they are leaving....)
Neither response escalates the discussion and both validate the spouses perception. And you don't feel insane or like a doormat for agreeing with something you do Not agree with.
And finally, just b/c you don't recall something they claim you said, or did, does not mean your memory is better than theirs or that they are lying.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
