I’ve been running Mozza’s question through my mind; not being able to sleep leaves one with a lot of time to think.
I can be sarcastic at times in my humor. I recall my wife reacting negatively from time to time about some of that. I also used to be very opinioned…not so much over the last couple of years as I went through a re-evaluation during my cancer scare and a lot of the things I became fired up about didn’t really matter as much. Maybe that, with some fiery rhetoric, may have had caused some bad feelings, but I haven’t been that ‘involved’ in any topics like I used to be.
We both decided to go back to school, and we did. She graduated, but I was held back by my failure on an algebra class (I am TERRIBLE at math). I failed it twice and was forced to go to a remedial course, but we couldn’t afford it at the time (I was told my student loans wouldn’t cover it and it had to be paid for out of pocket). We focused on her getting her Master’s and I played support until that was done. Months before she left I had begun to pay my student loans, which were in default, so I could go back to school.
I also went through a period where I was kind of quick to anger mostly due to my frustrations at life in general as I couldn’t seem to catch a break for a long time. But that was years ago and I sincerely believed I had overcome those inclinations.
I can see where these things could cause resentment and a lack of respect. But these were situations from years ago. The last couple of years I made huge strides in many places in myself that I didn’t (and she didn’t) like. This is why her leaving – and the anger from her that followed - came as such a shock to me. I honestly thought that my efforts put us on more stable ground. But I guess, upon reflection, she may have checked out a long time ago and simply didn’t notice.
Even with those things, I was always affectionate, always emotionally available, always going (at least in my mind) that extra mile to make her comfortable, help her relax or get something from the store at 2 am. Like I said, I loved being married and enjoyed my role immensely.
I know that I caused damage to our marriage, but I honestly though that I had gone pretty far in repairing that damage and shoring up my shortcomings. I became a lot closer to the guy she fell in love within the last two years than in the previous two before that. I can’t say my efforts were for nothing. They made me open my eyes and become a better person at the end of the day. Maybe I wish she had noticed it more. Or that I could travel back and make sure that she didn’t need to.
I’m sure I’m just dwelling a bit here, but I am really trying to understand not just why she left but where her anger is coming from. Understanding that may give me more to work on towards reconciliation.
