Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[25yearsmlc]

Just got home from watching football with my friends. Had a lot of fun even though my team lost. Now I am home in an empty house and fuming about my situation. From what it looks like my D could be done in 20 days, unless I drag it out which depending on the terms she has asked for, it most likely would not benefit me. I don't think she is going to ask for much, not even half of what I have.

I am just so disappointed in the both of us. Me for being so self centered and blind to her love during the marriage and her for not seeing what it is we have now and not working through the past. F@$k I am upset, I feel like we both failed each other and I feel like the answer to our problems is in front of us but she is choosing D and I am choosing working on the M.

Don't know what to do or feel right now. I know there is still a small glimmer of hope, but it seems very dim right now.

I feel so sad, am I allowed to feel that way? I guess I am entitled to. A couple beers and a bad M does not do so well on my emotions right now. I just feel like unloading on her. That would definitely be a 180, something she really has never witnessed me doing, going off empassioned with emotion without regard for others feelings or DB techniques. It would feel good for a couple minutes that's for sure.

What if you let her see your sadness and loss, your vulnerability (but in a dignified SAD way, not fuming in anger)?

What if she could see just your loss and sorrow, the compassion you feel for the loss YOU Feel and the loss you know she'll face b/c when all is said & done, you know down deep how very much you love her. And if the m ends, she really will lose something precious.

What if you let her in, without "unloading" On her?

Now to lay in bed and see if I can cry or at least get passed and rid myself of these emotions and thoughts. Don't need to feel this way if she comes over to talk tomorrow.