KGirl con't

[KGirl]

Thanks for all of you for checking in. It's nice to "talk" to people whose first response is not "well, at least you know his answer now!". I guess the DBing may have helped me get to a better place to receive this news than before... it may be too soon to tell. I think I put too much hope in the 1% possibility that he might come around (he told me repeatedly he was 99% sure that D was what he wanted... and I got really fixated on the fact that it wasn't 100%), and that's why this is so heartbreaking now, even though I feel like I should have gotten over all the sadness and whatnot back in December. My thoughts keep turning to the "whys" again, all those questions that have no answers ("why wasn't he happy? why did he do this? why wasn't he willing to do anything to figure it out or even talk to me?") and I'm trying to not ruminate on those because as 25 would say, we waste too much of our time on that, but not being so successful right now. And I am scared to death about having this phone call with him to discuss "things."

It's funny how not long ago I said I thought I hated him and that it might be too late... but yet when he says he's moving forward with filing I freak out and don't want it. Maybe this is more about it not being on my terms or me iniating it (and feeling like he's doing something TO me, to hurt me) than what is actually happening.