Yes, you can handle this, Heather. You have a lot on your plate. But, I think you were sent to that paper for a reason. It's going to be a challenge, you will have obstacles, and people will give you a hard time. But you are there to do a job, and you can do it.
You aren't there to do what people who are stuck in their way want you to do. You are there to utilize your assets and strengths to make this the best paper you can. Obviously, this paper has seen better days. You are there to help turn that around. It isn't going to be easy. You will take things personally. You will have highs and lows, but you just keep on being the strong, intelligent woman you are.
You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We all know what you are capable of. Just do you, Heather. Don't let others' nonsense deter you from what you need to do.
Remember, other people will knock you down or be judgmental because of their own insecurities. You don't have to waste energy on that. You know who you are at the core. And you are finding out everything else you want to be and it is a positive journey.
D12 will get there. It is a big adjustment for her. She is finding her way, too. Don't we know how scary and intimidating that can be?! I would find something she can be a part of. Something to look forward to.
I spent most of the day with D12. I think we both really needed this time together. I made a plan for her schoolwork and discussed with it her.
She wants to attend the local public school next fall. I created a simple plan so she could, reasonably, attain this goal. I know she feels somewhat burdened by the idea, but I think if we keep track of her progress...she will quickly feel better about it. Her math skills have improved so much and I feel good about her focusing on the things that still bring her some trouble.
I'd like her to focus on her math, writing, typing, reading and grammar. I bought this really cool grammar program last year for my students. I'm excited for D12 to use it.
Ok, that's one of the burdens that has been weighing me down.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Most schools in NYS are picking up the modules (Common Core based). They are quite different than the "traditional" way. I have some "stuff" if you'd like it for her.
Lemme know what I can do.
I could leave Wednesday after work. From work, I'm just over 2 hrs from Syracuse. Tell me what works. Maybe on a weekend we could meet in Finger Lakes wine region!!!!
Oh, and it turns out that the headaches she has been having for the past few days may have more to do with her not washing her hair and keeping it in a pony tail. I used to get those headaches. I had convinced myself she was IDK...I was imagining something way worse.
Anyway, I was swirling this morning and afternoon. It has felt like I'm experiencing all the stages of grief at once. Major anxiety, feeling like I'm going to die, shortness of breath, lots of negative thinking, imagining the absolute worst, blaming myself, looking for someone to ease the pain...waiting for Smokey to text...yadda, yadda...So, I went back to where this whole process started.
I picked up the abandonment workbook. And, as I was reading, I had a sort of D.U.H. moment. Not really an epiphany, more of a..."seriously, duh!"
If I stand outside and look at myself as an observer...yep, this really isn't rocket science, is it?
I mean, here's this woman who has experienced a bunch of loss since childhood.
It's no secret that I react to change and new experiences with anxiety. I freeze up, put too much pressure on myself and shut down.
Now, in the past month or so...
-Filed for divorce -Bought a new car -Moved across two states -Started a new job where I know absolutely no one in an industry where I haven't worked in more than 10 years -I opened a new office -Was confronted with the reality that a child I absolutely adore was sexually abused in my home when I was in charge... -Dealt with some spewing and reaction from Smokey
I guess it makes sense that I'm a little raw right now. I feel a bit sensitive and exposed...like my every character defect is shining like a neon sign for all to see.
I'm also doing the very thing that every person in my life has reassured me, over and over again, that I am incapable of doing.
It reminds me of when I tried out for the part of Becky Thatcher in the 4th grade. No one expected shy Heather to get the part. Well, shy Heather got up there and rocked it. Then, after my music teacher announced she was sure I would have the part...she asked me to give one more performance. I froze. I blew it.
I gotta find that safe place inside for that little girl who expects she will fail.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The stuff I use is all Common Core-based. D12 actually responds fairly well to the Common Core Curriculum, it's the testing in school that makes me a bit nervous.
Anyway...I would love to meet up in wine country!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Can you identify the main obstacle you had to overcome to achieve fulfillment?
Me: Believing in myself.
Look forward into the future. Two years from now, this obtacle is gone, how did you remove the obstacle?
Me: I tuned everyone out and listened to that calm, steady voice inside myself. I turned off the Panic Button. I stopped listening to the broken people around me and began trusting that I'm not as broken as I thought. Maybe how I do things isn't bad or wrong. I stopped obsessing about the Why's and the How's and how I may or may not have screwed up...I simply got busy being the wonderful human being I am. I stopped overthinking it and gave myself a huge Atta Boy for surviving all I have survived.
I think I need to listen to myself.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Keep in mind that they brought you on at the paper because it wasn't doing well! Mr. Perfection can't have been doing so great as an editor considering how few papers were sold before you have even had a chance to turn things around! Also, look at how he may see you....if you CAN turn things around, how will that make HIM look? Here is this outside woman who comes in and makes the paper work where he couldn't do it. He probably feels insecure around YOU and the way he deals with his feelings is trying to make everyone be "perfect". Believe me, I've dealt with some of those types in the past, not easy to deal with and with all you have been going through the last year, of course it isn't easy.
You will be OK, don't worry, I know you've got this. Hey, now that the papers got a new name maybe you can get the paper back in that store! Just tell them it's a totally different publication!
