An Argument ISN'T Just A Contradiction

[LoisB]

Oh, and it turns out that the headaches she has been having for the past few days may have more to do with her not washing her hair and keeping it in a pony tail. I used to get those headaches. I had convinced myself she was IDK...I was imagining something way worse.

Anyway, I was swirling this morning and afternoon. It has felt like I'm experiencing all the stages of grief at once. Major anxiety, feeling like I'm going to die, shortness of breath, lots of negative thinking, imagining the absolute worst, blaming myself, looking for someone to ease the pain...waiting for Smokey to text...yadda, yadda...So, I went back to where this whole process started.

I picked up the abandonment workbook. And, as I was reading, I had a sort of D.U.H. moment. Not really an epiphany, more of a..."seriously, duh!"

If I stand outside and look at myself as an observer...yep, this really isn't rocket science, is it?

I mean, here's this woman who has experienced a bunch of loss since childhood.

It's no secret that I react to change and new experiences with anxiety. I freeze up, put too much pressure on myself and shut down.

Now, in the past month or so...

-Filed for divorce
-Bought a new car
-Moved across two states
-Started a new job where I know absolutely no one in an industry where I haven't worked in more than 10 years
-I opened a new office
-Was confronted with the reality that a child I absolutely adore was sexually abused in my home when I was in charge...
-Dealt with some spewing and reaction from Smokey

I guess it makes sense that I'm a little raw right now. I feel a bit sensitive and exposed...like my every character defect is shining like a neon sign for all to see.

I'm also doing the very thing that every person in my life has reassured me, over and over again, that I am incapable of doing.

It reminds me of when I tried out for the part of Becky Thatcher in the 4th grade. No one expected shy Heather to get the part. Well, shy Heather got up there and rocked it. Then, after my music teacher announced she was sure I would have the part...she asked me to give one more performance. I froze. I blew it.

I gotta find that safe place inside for that little girl who expects she will fail.