Don't know if I belong here....

[sandi2]

Yes. She has. I really have no good excuse. I like affection (not as much as she did/ does). I would often go for periods of being wrapped up in my head and be pretty inattentive to that and then I'd want my needs met when I wasn't addressing hers. I came from a very low affection family. My parents didn't hug. I never saw them sitting together or cuddling. This is not to excuse my behavior, it is just my model.
She most often would bring it up after I started a discussion about my needs. I tried to change at times and it would work for a while or she'd just see any affection I gave her as having an ulterior motive for wanting to have sex.

I understand. The good news is that it's not too late to learn and to change how you think and behave. It's just as upsetting for her, but maybe in a different way from you. It took a long time for her to reach this place. She will need to feel safe (in an emotional sense) and start to feel respect and attraction again.

Have you ever read his needs - her needs? It might help you understand her better.

That's what makes detaching so counter intuitive to me right now. My impulse is to try to fix it by being affectionate and spending lots of time with her but I know from both the readings and her demeanor that would be a bad idea.

Here's what's happening. You know you've messed up badly, and may lose your W. Now....at this time, you are wanting to do all those things she needed over those years. But for her....it is too late. Her feelings has shut down. She is fed up. So if you try to do those things now......she will be out of there. You are thinking in terms that she still feels the same about you, so you'll start doing what you should have before now.....and all will be fine. But she doesn't feel the same toward you. It has all changed. That's why those actions will fail if you try it. In fact, the WAW usually reacts very strongly about it. She does not want it and does not like it. As soon as you accept that that's the way she is, you can start doing things the right way.

You have to learndot take a different direction, now. You start by improving yourself for life, and by rebuilding a new R with her. At the present time, I don't know if you are a man she would even want to meet, much less have something more, but IDK. So by working on yourself, hopefully you will be a man she would like to meet, be around more, get to know better. It has to be done in small doses. Just like when you first met. Except now, she will be watching more closely, and you have more to prove.