On Ss06’s thread I saw the suggestion to write 20 things I like about myself. This was way, way harder than I thought it would be especially when I started taking off the things that are either transient or dependent on someone else.
Even with this list I’m not sure if its things I like or just things that I am. If it is the latter then I should learn to like these things because they are who I am.
20 things I like about myself.
1) My kids (they are part of who i am even though this is external validation) 2) I’m a good dad 3) I’m analytical 4) I get ‘concepts’ pretty quickly 5) I’m able to make connections between ideas 6) I can ‘wing it’ better than most 7) I can improvise solutions 8) I have ideas, always (however unrealistic or unworkable) 9) I’m curious about how things work 10) I’m can make a tasty meal (and delicious cookies) 11) I’m loyal 12) I’m a little bit silly and abstract 13) I have a dry sarcastic humour 14) I can really talk when I’m passionate or excited about something 15) I have an adventurous side 16) I’m genuinely concerned about others 17) I like to snug 18) I love Christmas and get quite festive 19) I get interested in other peoples interests 20) I'm fair
At the same time and not because I was trying to, I thought of things I don’t like and this was really easy and took only a couple of minutes to get to 27 – I probably could have kept this list going
Things I don’t like about myself:
1) I’m constantly looking for external validation 2) I procrastinate 3) I’m easily distracted 4) I’m very anxious socially 5) I assume people don’t like me 6) I constantly compare myself negatively to others 7) I’m very defensive when I perceive criticism 8) My sarcasm can be mean and vindictive 9) I sometimes say things I don’t mean 10) My emotions trip me up and make me second guess everything 11) I lack confidence 12) I hesitate to act unless someone has given me permission. 13) I’m not good with boundaries. 14) I avoid conflict because I’m afraid of the consequences..... 15) I'm not very assertive. 16) I fear failure and rejection so much that it stops me from trying 17) I project my fears onto others to get that reassurance by saying something negatively leading 18) I’m capable of some dreadful passive/aggressive nonsense 19) I use covert contracts all the time 20) I’m not good at reading and responding to other peoples feelings 21) I’m needy and insecure 22) I don’t respect myself enough 23) I don’t live up to my potential and so feel like a bit of a failure 24) I’m sulky and struggle to let stuff go. 25) I’m combative when in conflict (if i cant win then we both lose) 26) I whinge and moan and pick holes in things 27) I over analyse to the point where I go round in circles
I realised that this list actually provides a pretty good opportunity for trying to reprogram my thinking in a 180 style but have struggled to rewrite it as positive actions mostly i just ended up writing ‘Dont do that anymore’.
Then I thought that for a lot of this stuff its maybe not about 180s but instead the ‘aggregation of marginal gains’ (if you’ve not heard of this look up Dave Brailsford and British Cycling). The basic concept is that if you improve everything 1% then the overall improvement is massive.
Sooooooo........
Thinking about all of this and the overall changes in me i want to make (a few posts ago) I came up with this list of marginal gains that I can work on. Hopefully they are specific, positive and realistic ACTIONS that I can take every day and dont depend on opportunity.
1) Get a life – Always have a plan for tomorrow, whether that is with the kids, with friends or on my own, I should have a plan. 2) Detach – Slow my reactions and ask myself what am I feeling about this 3) Detach – ask myself does it matter, if it doesn’t let it go. 4) Detach – base my actions on what i think is right not on expectations of what i will get the return 5) PMA – at every situation ask myself what is the positive here? Remind myself that happy thoughts lead to happy people 6) PMA – appreciate what is good and show my appreciation for others 7) PMA – reduce the negativity, criticism and sarcasm in my words (it is not always perceived as intended) 8) Confidence – remind myself what is good about me and my life, especially if i'm feeling anxious or starting to make mental comparisons 9) Confidence – Practice confidence in my body language and thoughts (daily in front of the mirror as well) 10) Empathy – Validate other people's feelings, they are their feelings and so cant be ‘wrong’ 11) Empathy – Listen, really listen to what is being said 12) Empathy – Speak with care and compassion 13) Empathy – Dont offer a solution unless im asked for one. 14) Lead – be decisive when i need to be, be assertive in my decisions 15) Boundaries – understand, respect and enforce my boundaries
As for lines in the sand for my boundaries then I think these are - I will not accept being disrespectfully treated or spoken to, this includes being lied to or being told my feelings are invalid - I will not let someone else use guilt or shame to manipulate me - I will not live in an open marriage
I thought there might be more boundaries but actually that’s kind of it
So thats a long train of thought and the end point is really not much different to Cadet's welcome post and what i keep getting told but i think its a realisation I had to come to on my own (repeatedly - until it sinks in). But what is nice for me is actually none of those actions are about my wife, they are about who I want to be.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
