That is a decision everyone needs to make for themselves, Mozza. Most newcomers spend a great deal of time here. Eventually, it changes as the stitch changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with sandi. Initially people spend a lot of time here, trying to wrap their heads around what has happened to them, and, sad to say, searching for the elusive "Magic Bullet" that, if they implement it "just right", will fix their marriage.
Or maybe they're just looking for some hope, and hope is here in abundance. Maybe just not in the form you'd like it to be.
This is the best place to vent and to talk through difficult times without having to test them out on our spouses.
Jim, in your case, do whatever you can to stop taking responsibly for your wife's feelings. HER FEELINGS ARE HER BUSINESS. If she is unhappy, with life, or with you, it's not your problem right now.
She doesn't want to be your wife at the moment. Or thinks she doesn't want to be. Which means your role with her has CHANGED.
You are not her rescuer, nor are you her emotional support. Let OM rescue her!
That said, always be upbeat, busy, kind, and friendly to your wife. There is no need to be cold or distant.
But end the conversations first, don't ask questions, don't nitpick, think of her as someone who really can't have empathy for you right now.
Let your actions speak. You're GALing, you're busy with the children--you're friendly to her ON A LIMITED BASIS.
She doesn't get unlimited access to you and your soul while she is giving herself to another. It doesn't work that way, and it's time she figured that out.
You can't tell her this, she'll just have to glean it from your interactions.
Again. NOT curt. Not cold. Not indifferent. But all you need to do is listen to her and let you know you heard her. Validate. Don't fix! And you don't need to listen ad nauseum, either.
Use Zues's 80% rule: Whatever warmth she gives out, give back 80%. That will keep you from creating too much distance, but will not come off as pursuit, either.
And don't reassure her, either. Surely she knows you love her, that you're incredibly hurt, and you don't want this.
Sadly, at this point, she doesn't really care all that much. She will only begin to care when she sees that you are moving forward in your life and that the changes you make are permanent.
She will likely keep checking that you're still neatly in place so she can go off to play, confident that you're keeping her seat warm.
It when she looks back and sees you're not there putting your life on hold, that she will feel the pinch that you might not wait forever.
Again, actions. No need to say a word.
Keep up the good work!
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Part of me is still looking for that magic bullet or that conversation that makes her understand that we should work on our M and that so many of her complaints are down to poor communication on both our parts. Odd how we both felt we were 'putting up' with the other's bad mood.
Anyway I know its not there just like there is no magic bullet that cures me of my issues.
Hard work, real actions and a lifetime of commitment is what it will take.
As for the warmth side well 80% of ice cold is really quite frosty indeed.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That is a decision everyone needs to make for themselves, Mozza. Most newcomers spend a great deal of time here. Eventually, it changes as the stitch changes.
I hope I didn't come across as ungrateful or inconsiderate. I spend a great deal of time here myself and I've gained value beyond what I imagined (especially today).
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I agree with sandi. Initially people spend a lot of time here, trying to wrap their heads around what has happened to them, and, sad to say, searching for the elusive "Magic Bullet" that, if they implement it "just right", will fix their marriage.
Or maybe they're just looking for some hope, and hope is here in abundance. Maybe just not in the form you'd like it to be.
This is the best place to vent and to talk through difficult times without having to test them out on our spouses.
Jim, in your case, do whatever you can to stop taking responsibly for your wife's feelings. HER FEELINGS ARE HER BUSINESS. If she is unhappy, with life, or with you, it's not your problem right now.
She doesn't want to be your wife at the moment. Or thinks she doesn't want to be. Which means your role with her has CHANGED.
You are not her rescuer, nor are you her emotional support. Let OM rescue her!
That said, always be upbeat, busy, kind, and friendly to your wife. There is no need to be cold or distant.
But end the conversations first, don't ask questions, don't nitpick, think of her as someone who really can't have empathy for you right now.
Let your actions speak. You're GALing, you're busy with the children--you're friendly to her ON A LIMITED BASIS.
She doesn't get unlimited access to you and your soul while she is giving herself to another. It doesn't work that way, and it's time she figured that out.
You can't tell her this, she'll just have to glean it from your interactions.
Again. NOT curt. Not cold. Not indifferent. But all you need to do is listen to her and let you know you heard her. Validate. Don't fix! And you don't need to listen ad nauseum, either.
Use Zues's 80% rule: Whatever warmth she gives out, give back 80%. That will keep you from creating too much distance, but will not come off as pursuit, either.
And don't reassure her, either. Surely she knows you love her, that you're incredibly hurt, and you don't want this.
Sadly, at this point, she doesn't really care all that much. She will only begin to care when she sees that you are moving forward in your life and that the changes you make are permanent.
She will likely keep checking that you're still neatly in place so she can go off to play, confident that you're keeping her seat warm.
It when she looks back and sees you're not there putting your life on hold, that she will feel the pinch that you might not wait forever.
Again, actions. No need to say a word.
Keep up the good work!
---(G)GGG
Jim, you'd be wise to print that post out, save it, and read it about 10x/day. That's GOLD right there. ^^^
My PMA has been reasonable for the last couple of days though the endless mind circles are carrying on. On the plus side I got some actual work done rather than the bare minimum I've managed in the office the last few weeks.
Mainly I keep looping between 'was I really that bad?' 'How significant were the issues on her side?' And 'why didn't we seem able to talk about it'. None of its helpful except to try and figure out me from now on (more to follow on this)
Not had much interaction with W but what there has been I've been positive, talkative (small talk) and playful mainly towards kids but not excluding W. I hope I look happy and OK with life but I can't make my eyes lie yet. She is mostly looking very tired and not reciprocating chirpy but that's fine because I'm not being chirpy for her.
A couple of practical D points she has raised I've answered her question factually then continued with whatever I was doing
As I've said before its a lot like the last 3 years as I've always been really silly and playful with the kids. I'm concerned this isn't a 180 but I'm not going to not be silly with them. So actually I don't think I care what she thinks on this one.
I entirely take GoatGals excellent points but I'm left wondering about the issue where she seems to be scared of me (its something I still struggle to understand and makes me think I'm missing something big). Anyway I'd like to ease her fear and I'm not sure how best to do this?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I don't understand the "scared of you" thing either.
It could just be projection on her part.
At this point just make sure you are always calm, listen more than talk, non-confrontational. Validate. Watch your words carefully. When in doubt, say nothing.
The same DBing stuff we always talk about.
How that can possibly come off as "scary" is beyond me.
If she is doing things she believes deep down she should be punished for, perhaps she is waiting for you to fill that role? Who knows?
Maybe she sees your newly assertive yourself as being "scary"? Don't know.
But I wouldn't let that stop you from asserting yourself on your non-negotiable boundaries.
Decide what those are and stick to them. Maybe write out a list here of your "Lines in the Sand".
Make sure they're about protecting you and the kids, and not about enforcing some code of behavior for her.
Some of mine: 1. I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner, in person or via text/email. Consequence: I tell H firmly that I will not be spoken to in that way and end the discussion right there and then. If it's via text, I simply do not respond to spew. Of any kind. 2. I will not have a close R with anyone who I cannot trust. Consequence: He will not live in this house with me until I feel emotionally safe with him by measures that are MINE to make. He legally can live here, but I am under no obligation to make it "comfortable" for him to do so if he is disrespecting me with his behavior.
As for your W's feelings--well, they're HER feelings, right? And what did we decide about those?
(Once you determine that you are not, in fact, acting threatening towards her in any way, of course.)
STOP. WORRYING. ABOUT. HER. FEELINGS.
Focus on being the man you want to be. If you are acting responsibly, honorably, and pleasant and civil and reasonable, then her feelings are entirely her responsibility.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Do you think little things like giving her warning that I'm on my home would help? Just talking a simple TM when I leave so she gets 30 minutes warning?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
