jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[GoatGal]

I don't understand the "scared of you" thing either.

It could just be projection on her part.

At this point just make sure you are always calm, listen more than talk, non-confrontational. Validate.
Watch your words carefully. When in doubt, say nothing.

The same DBing stuff we always talk about.

How that can possibly come off as "scary" is beyond me.

If she is doing things she believes deep down she should be punished for, perhaps she is waiting for you to fill that role? Who knows?

Maybe she sees your newly assertive yourself as being "scary"?
Don't know.

But I wouldn't let that stop you from asserting yourself on your non-negotiable boundaries.

Decide what those are and stick to them. Maybe write out a list here of your "Lines in the Sand".

Make sure they're about protecting you and the kids, and not about enforcing some code of behavior for her.

Some of mine:
1. I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner, in person or via text/email.
Consequence: I tell H firmly that I will not be spoken to in that way and end the discussion right there and then. If it's via text, I simply do not respond to spew. Of any kind.
2. I will not have a close R with anyone who I cannot trust.
Consequence: He will not live in this house with me until I feel emotionally safe with him by measures that are MINE to make. He legally can live here, but I am under no obligation to make it "comfortable" for him to do so if he is disrespecting me with his behavior.

As for your W's feelings--well, they're HER feelings, right?
And what did we decide about those?

(Once you determine that you are not, in fact, acting threatening towards her in any way, of course.)

STOP. WORRYING. ABOUT. HER. FEELINGS.

Focus on being the man you want to be. If you are acting responsibly, honorably, and pleasant and civil and reasonable, then her feelings are entirely her responsibility.

--(G)GGG