Hi cat04, thank you for your comments. Your post was the hardest to deal with, and so I want to respond to it first. Your insight on women's view of love as a feeling is helpful to me.
Let's start by dealing with my pre-DB insistence that my W kiss me. Yes, I viewed kissing as an obligatory action owed to me by my W. Seeing it as clearly as you painted it here shows to me that I was clearly wrong, and W choosing to not kiss me was justified. DB has helped me to see these sort of actions in a clearer light.
Actions that I viewed as obligations for me during our marriage included fidelity, being the primary bread-winner, commitment, my protecting W unfortunately I focused on protecting W from stressful things (rather than protecting her physically and providing a roof over our heads). On the topic of my protecting the family physically, my W let me know that my failure to check out sounds in the house when she asked in the middle of the night was unacceptable to her. And she is right, and I have learned from this.
What does love look like to me? There is some overlap with obligation here. Fidelity and commitment to the relationship done because I want to (out of 'love'), is the purest form of these actions. Yes, respect also - which includes door opening, giving my W my arm esp during the wet/icy conditions of our state. Respect also includes valuing my W's opinion and input on decisions we had to make, is also important.
The physical relationship is also very important. My W was very good about meeting my physical needs of hugging, kissing, and more. I was good in meeting her physical needs, and also providing her with nightly back rubs/massages.
I think friendship is also very important in what 'love' looks like to me. W and I always talked, and not just about the kids. We had a strong bond of friendship where I wanted to talk to her when I was at the office, and make her laugh when she was down.
The spiritual connection is a final thing that I think is important as part of 'love'. We found a great church 17 years ago that we both loved, and which did a good job in teaching us and our children. W and I would often be co-leaders of Alpha groups (a course which was an introduction to Christianity and the Holy Spirit) at our church. I was gifted in active listening, and W was gifted with her compassionate heart. We would share the group leading for the night based upon the topic, and this worked great. We saw many people be blessed from the work we did together.
I hope I am providing a more helpful response to you of your question.
