Continuing DBing after the affair

[GoatGal]

Starsky,

You know I think you're the bomb. But I have to disagree here. He said the "porn thing" was a huge thing in their marriage, that she didn't like it and clearly it bothered her since she felt it was "cheating".

That right there was a red flag to Peter that there was an issue. He discounted her feelings on the matter. Was using porn more important than his wife's feelings?

I never had a problem with it either way until it became apparent that it was affecting my H, his feelings about me, and our sex life.

Over time, it does to many people.

Saying he is "very visual" signals that perhaps he needed "visuals" with his wife also.
I don't know, that's for him to say.

Many women find that their man looking at other women in this way is "cheating" and they find it very disturbing. If the tables were turned, how would men feel?

I am hardly a prude and have viewed my fair share of porn over the years. However, as I've come to learn more and more on the effects of porn on the brain, on relationships, on sexual expectations and desires, I can see how, for many people (though not all) it skews things greatly in favor of highly visual, impersonal, experimental sex which has as its end result the woman feeling like a masturbation tool.

I've been there. It ain't pretty.
And if porn was needed for men to take care of their physical needs, what on earth did they do before such a thing was invented? Just saying'...


I hate to disagree with you Starsky, but this is a sore spot for me, especially since his wife clearly stated that this behavior was distressing to her.

In my case, for my H to have a chance to R with me, this would have to be a porn-free house from now on. And for me to even consider moving forward with him, he would have to demonstrate that he was working on quitting porn altogether while we are separated.

My H knows he has a problem, living independently is not an excuse for him to continue his addiction (and for him, it is) if he has any idea of ever being my H. His problem is extensive enough that it will negatively impact any future R he might have with anyone.

He needs to stop, for himself. It has ruined him sexually and on some level he knows this, though is unlikely to admit it.

Please believe me when I tell you that I am not being overly dramatic here. I have 20+ years of living in a SSM that was due to HIM taking care of his needs with porn instead of with his wife. That was a real eye-opener.



---(G)GGG