Wife has left and filed for divorce

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I should be seeing my kids this weekend. However, my lawyer is still waiting to hear back from my wife's lawyer about the arrangements. It's frustrating and strange that even though I have just as much legal right to our kids as my wife does right now (the restraining order is only mutual between my wife and I), that I still can't see them without her basically allowing me to.

I went to my second meeting at the abuse intervention program on Wednesday night and was completely floored. I was going through the Power and Control Wheel and truly saw how much I had emotionally, mentally, verbally, and even physically abused my wife (even though I never intentionally hit her). I fit into almost every category on the sheet. I knew I had a bad temper and had made mistakes in the past, but this was a big eye-opener for me.

Then, we watched part of a movie called Unforgiveable, starring John Ritter, about a very abusive man who physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, mentally abuses his wife, abuses his children, and even abuses his girlfriend to the point where she is sent to the hospital. He's forced to go to an abuse program, which changes his life, and he's able to reconcile with his wife and family in the end. It's a true story and gives me hope.

I never really thought I was a bad man. I knew I had messed up in the past with my temper, screaming, throwing things, controlling attitude, not liking my wife being around certain members of her family, etc., but I wasn't those ways all the time. Most of the time I was loving and playful with my wife, and we had a lot of fun along with our kids. But I see now that there was a cumulative effect of my abuse. I hate even calling it "abuse", but I want to be honest and real: I was an abuser. I deeply hurt my wife through all of these abusive behaviors, from my emotional affairs (especially with her friend), and from being physical one time with another woman (though no sex). On my way to my friend's house, I bawled my eyes out at this realization. I never wanted to be like this and I refuse to ever be like that again, but the hurt I gave my wife--despite all the wonderful times--made me feel horrible.

I went to a men's group the next morning and realized that even though I was an abuser in the past, that's not who I am now if I've truly repented and have sought forgiveness. That gives me hope, but there are still consequences to my actions and those are the painful parts.

I'm trying to intentionally leave out my wife's part in all of this. She definitely wasn't innocent and was sometimes abusive and often very emotionally neglectful and disrespectful herself, but I realize that none of that matters. I was the man. I was the husband. I should've risen above her attitude, been her rock, and loved her unconditionally.

25yearsmlc asked what my 180s and GAL methods are. Right now I'm simply doing the opposite of what I've done in the past. My wife and her family always thought I was controlling, so in the past three weeks while we've had no contact I have made it a point to respect my wife's need for space. The fact that there was an Order of Protection and now a mutual restraining order actually helps me in this regard and could very well be a positive element in rebuilding this marriage.

In any of my interactions with her family members, I have been kind and loving instead of the way I used to be (taking things personally, responding negatively to their disrespect, etc.). I have also focused on growing in my walk with God. My wife, who has always been a rather conservative Christian, always wanted me to be the spiritual leader of the house, and even though I am choosing God firstly for me, I still know that that is what my wife always needed from me, too. In addition to these, I've kept myself off my computer due to temptations, been working on my lust issues, and have started keeping the house clean and doing chores I haven't done for years. These may be simple 180s for now, but they are definitely the opposite of how I've acted in the past.

For GAL, I've been hanging with friends, getting back on focusing on my work, and hopefully starting to go to the gym. I'm also going to be working on continuing the renovations in our home that my wife and I started before she left.

I apologize for the wall of text, but there's so much to share about what's going on in my life and the transformation taking place in it.

I would appreciate any and all advice, comments, and such.

Have any of you seen a marriage recover or be rebuilt from such a rocky and painful history? My counselor says he's seen worse be healed--and I believe him--but sometimes it's so easy to lose hope when I think about how badly I've treated my wife.

I still believe she loves me and misses me, but needs this time to heal and to "regroup" her life. I have a gut feeling that things will work out in the end, even if we divorce, and part of this feeling stems from my confidence that I am a new, much better man.