Continuing DBing after the affair

[PeterV2]

Well, Sandi, I'm in the pre-piecing stage right now. A has ended but W has no desire to R - says she needs to find herself.

Just a bit of a glitch. I asked her what she is accusing me of and she just rehashed that I went on line first week of January to look for a hook-up. Thinks I'm scum for doing that. Even though she was in a full blown affair at the time and I did remind her of that - "yeah I was sending winks and messages to other ladies on these web site while you were under the sheets with another man while still my wife." Needless to say that convo didn't end well. I did admit to viewing porn and she doesn't approve of that, but we haven't ML since Aug 2013 and even then she was in an EA if not a PA although I was unaware at the time.

The porn thing has been a huge issue in our M. Before we were married we were both enjoying looking a porn, but when she found out I was looking when she wasn't with me she freaked out claiming it just like cheating. I disagreed saying it was just a visual stimulant for me while pleasuring myself in her absence. She felt I was dismissing her feelings. I felt she was blowing out of proportion. But eventually I relented and stopped.

After she moved out of the bedroom over a year ago I started again - I'm a visual guy and need the visual stimulation. But now that she knows I'm looking again she says I haven't changed. Tells me to grow up.

Needless to say the convo went south last night. No hug or kiss goodbye (oh yeah, I was at home last night when she called me to come to the RH to fix the gas fireplace which had lost its pilot light, so I rushed over to fix it - that's when we had the brief but derisive convo.)

Today she drove me to a medical procedure I had to undergo and afterwards we had a lovely dinner together and she dropped me off at home, left and came back again to have a coffee with me and chat. Then she left with a kiss & hug. She's sent me multiple texts tonight and called me twice.

So it seems she wants to be friends but doesn't want to R. She has a problem with me. But if we don't talk about the R then things are good. When we do talk R then things go downhill rapidly. So R talk is a cheeseless tunnel at this time. Being friends and keeping it light and fun leads to more connection.

So when it comes to R talk I'll just STFU.

I still need to figure out how to deal with the porn thing. Maybe I should just stop viewing it. Then wait for that change to make itself apparent to her which will take a long time.