Newcomer Living in Hell 2

[Maybell]

Facebook is just a sign of how checked out they are. But I get hating it.

I forgot what I was going to follow up with the other day, I'm sorry. I reread your posts and nothing rang a bell, so most likely Ahoy took care of it.

One thing though... you asked how stubborn they have to be to admit everything she admitted and yet not try? If you read the posts Sandi puts up (I don't remember if she contributes to your thread or not) she'll say it needs a LOT of outside reinforcement from people she trusts to have her back before a WAW will go back to the M. She's just that done with that way of life.

About 6 years ago I was in a terrible, terrible place in my marriage. I wished for my H to have an affair, to leave, to die in a plane crash. I just hated the way we were living. If I could have, I would have left him. But I couldn't leave him without leaving the kids too, and that was just something I would never ever do. Because I couldn't hurt them like that, and because I couldn't live with myself if I did. But I just wanted peace. And the possibility of being loved, needed, cherished.

Eventually, after a long, long time, I realized I couldn't live like that. It wasn't fair to my H. It wasn't fair to me. And it was a terrible example to my kids. To come back I had to find something that was just mine to invest myself in, so I could feel like I had space in the life we had made together, where before I didn't feel like I was a whole person at all. So I found an activity that I had to really invest in, that had an actual goal at the end. And I started trying to watch for the good in my H. Fortunately, he made a few good moves at the right times and I found my way back to him, and we had a couple of good years before we started drifting apart again. I guess, too, I stopped feeling like a whole person again, because we had some circumstances that I had to work on to get us through, and I took more than my fair share of the responsibility for dealing with those things. But we never dealt with those issues and I guess we're basically dealing with them now.

I didn't come back because he loved me, because I didn't believe that he did. I didn't come back because I loved him, because I didn't believe that I did. I came back because I felt a responsibility to try, and I couldn't live with the possible consequences of failing to make the effort.

My husband may have made efforts prior to my deciding to put on my BGPs, but I wouldn't have noticed. I was pretty self-absorbed in my misery at that point. So when you ask how stubborn... Realize to a certain extent she's going through the motions. Her interest right now is in being RIGHT, not in being married.

Hmmm... good words for me to hear too. Thanks for that.