"Until she is ready to talk about it." That is what I took from Sandi's 37 rules. I have read it. I just need to keep re-reading these things. I am reading a lot right now, so it sometimes gets jumbled and of course I am having a hard time (internally) letting things go (although I am trying). I'll read more of DR and go back and re-read sections when I get a chance. I got to keep just working on myself, detach, and try to GAL.
Sorry if I seem dense...I just don't know what I'm doing exactly. So I do appreciate the feedback.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Okay. I am re-reading it and highlighting passages. I am trying a few changes. I tend to be a "fixer" and I take on a lot of stuff, and she lets me (just like it says in the book). So while these may not be complete 180s let me know if you think I am on the right kind of track. -She has never gotten the oil changed in our van. I am going to let her take care of that. - I do most of the meal planning and grocery shopping. I am going to take 1 or 2 days "off" per week to let her handle it. - She usually expects me to plan our vacations when we go camping. I had already did one and told her she could plan the other (i know this violates the "don't make future plans" rule, but this was already in the works before I got the book).
I have backed off on the affection and "I love yous".
I will keep reading the book, highlighting and taking notes.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
That is a point. The camping one is an issue that was brought up. Srhe has told me that she felt frustrated because she knew I wouldn't follow through and plan anything for because I hadn't the last 2 years (since we had gone with friends). I figured that I'd change that by removing myself from all of the planning (which I normally do). A big set of our issues (our repeated fight for our entire relationship) is around affection, intimacy, and time together. This, I can't work on right now as I am trying to give her her space and detach.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
She says she feels lonely with me. How do I address this if I am detaching? This is what confuses me. I do invite her to wall the dog with me or watch a show with me, but she declines. I am trying to figure out how to be available yet detach. I am trying to remember complaints and feel like I am being honest. I am by no means perfect. I can be inattentive, unaffectionate, and off in my own head. I take on lots of things and then get stressed and freak out. I can (unintentionally not take her seriously or value others ideas over hers). I have made her feel like I don't value her contributions to the household before. I have made her feel like she is not heard.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
I have made her feel like crap. Like she was a piece of meat in regards to our sex life. That I didn't care or listen to her about her need to feel close.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
So in regards to me acting unaffectionate, inattentive, and not being close. I assume that any attempts at addressing that is going to be too much for the time being until she decides what she wants to do and is ready to talk. Until then I should continue to work on myself (what other things I contributed to this) and on detaching?
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
As a part of detaching I understand you are supposed to limit your interactions. I know that I need to do this more. If I mention something that happened at work or something that I found amusing or interesting it is met with a minimal response or silence. I don't know if this is on purpose or if she is just mentaly wrapped up in her schoolwork (which she will talk about). I suppose I just should not talk about myself/ my life outside the house. How do others deal with this? It is very foreign to how I normally act (which I guess is the point).
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
