jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[GoatGal]

Jim, Mozza...


I agree with sandi. Initially people spend a lot of time here, trying to wrap their heads around what has happened to them, and, sad to say, searching for the elusive "Magic Bullet" that, if they implement it "just right", will fix their marriage.

Or maybe they're just looking for some hope, and hope is here in abundance. Maybe just not in the form you'd like it to be.

This is the best place to vent and to talk through difficult times without having to test them out on our spouses.

Jim, in your case, do whatever you can to stop taking responsibly for your wife's feelings. HER FEELINGS ARE HER BUSINESS.
If she is unhappy, with life, or with you, it's not your problem right now.

She doesn't want to be your wife at the moment. Or thinks she doesn't want to be.
Which means your role with her has CHANGED.

You are not her rescuer, nor are you her emotional support. Let OM rescue her!

That said, always be upbeat, busy, kind, and friendly to your wife.
There is no need to be cold or distant.

But end the conversations first, don't ask questions, don't nitpick, think of her as someone who really can't have empathy for you right now.

Let your actions speak. You're GALing, you're busy with the children--you're friendly to her ON A LIMITED BASIS.

She doesn't get unlimited access to you and your soul while she is giving herself to another. It doesn't work that way, and it's time she figured that out.

You can't tell her this, she'll just have to glean it from your interactions.

Again. NOT curt. Not cold. Not indifferent.
But all you need to do is listen to her and let you know you heard her. Validate.
Don't fix! And you don't need to listen ad nauseum, either.

Use Zues's 80% rule:
Whatever warmth she gives out, give back 80%.
That will keep you from creating too much distance, but will not come off as pursuit, either.


And don't reassure her, either. Surely she knows you love her, that you're incredibly hurt, and you don't want this.

Sadly, at this point, she doesn't really care all that much. She will only begin to care when she sees that you are moving forward in your life and that the changes you make are permanent.


She will likely keep checking that you're still neatly in place so she can go off to play, confident that you're keeping her seat warm.

It when she looks back and sees you're not there putting your life on hold, that she will feel the pinch that you might not wait forever.

Again, actions. No need to say a word.



Keep up the good work!


---(G)GGG