Things are continuing to improve over here. We had an incredibly powerful MC session on Tuesday where the MC challenged my H to accept responsibility for withdrawing due to hurt instead of treating me with love and grace. He said that he accepts responsibility, but I don't know if the full weight of that has sunk in yet. In the meantime, he is continuing to be more available to me and to be more open about his needs too.
I admit that I am still incredibly anxious and very distrusting of my H's intentions, though. I mean, the week before BD (after he had already made his plans to move out) he told me that he WASN'T planning to leave and that he was never going to hurt me again the way he had before. So, I'm (understandably, I think) gun-shy.
I told the MC that I am trying to let my H's words work for him and not against him. For example, my H told me a few weeks ago that he is committed to me. I told the MC that I am trying to trust that and when H says or does something that seems inconsistent with commitment to me I remind myself of what he said. The MC very adamantly said, "No Elsa, you need to ask Mr. Elsa* for clarification. You have to have these conversations." I turned to H and asked him if I could do that and have it really be okay -- because my impression is that he views that as challenging him, telling him he's not trying hard enough, or trying to control him. H said yes (as long as I don't do it at 10:30pm, which we all had a good laugh about). We ended up testing it out last night when I was struggling to trust something he said, and his response was perfect. He even told me, "That's what we're supposed to do -- clarify." I think the problem is that I've heard this before from H, but in reality I don't think it's his nature and I don't know that he's willing to fully embrace a different way to be in a relationship.
I have a ton of thoughts. I'll come back and post more later.
*I'm pretty sure he's Kristoff, but it's possible that he might be Hans so I'm going to avoid giving him a name for now.
