Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD

[gogofo]

W just called and informed me of some kid stuff.

Then bamm! She tells me she signed the papers yesterday, I had a feeling she might and she did.

I told her that "I feel that a long term separation or divorce were not the solution to our problems, but I respect her right to do it."

What she did tell me was that she cannot take the roller coaster any more, she cannot do it. She said that when we try to make things work she feels angry and she does not want to be angry at me.

I told her that I would like to learn more about how she felt that way and she said we could talk about it on Saturday.

[gogofo]

The only thing that will scare her off is for you to push, control, and pressure her. Why did she leave the second time (after piecing)?

I don't think we were actually piecing. I thought we were but I think the process we made was mostly superficial.

We split the second time because of feelings from the past coming up again. It was triggered by an affection/sex issue and then her feelings and memories of our past relationship came up again.

She feels anger about how she had to leave in order for me to make any changes. Anger about how now I am doing things that she likes but where were they in the past. She likes who I have become but cannot get through her anger about who I was in the past.

[Elsa]

I'm so sorry to hear that, gogofo.

I hope your talk on Saturday is productive.

[gogofo]

Today I am feeling very confused and disappointed by my W deciding to sign D papers.

She said she cares about me, but doesn't want to feel angry. I feel she never did the work to get past these angry feelings. I know she noticed change and issues were being addressed and we had good times together, even within the week. But she seems to be feeling the past and ignoring what we have right now.

I just don't know. I don't want to see her in pain, but I do not agree that D is the answer.

[sandi2]

Resentment is the core in a WAW. She has to want to let go of the past. When she admits to herself there is absolutely nothing you can do about who you once were.......and stops blaming you, and respects you for making change now, then she will be better prepared to think about a possible relationship. Right now, she doesn't want to let go. She wants to be angry at you. Maybe she is showing you there's nothing you can do to control how she feels, IDK. I just know she's not ready.

The tighter you pull on that rope......the more resistance you'll get.

[gogofo]

So are you saying just listen to her and let her move forward with the D? I know we are going to talk soon and I don't want to even talk about the D, or argue against it. My main concern is how she feels and her anger.

I feel I pushed too hard this last go around and made her feel pressured to try.

[sandi2]

I feel I pushed too hard this last go around and made her feel pressured to try.

If pushing works against you, then what?

[gogofo]

Yeah, drop the rope and let things progress on their own.

During our last talk I felt that she was asking how we could work on us. I should have moved a lot slower than I did.

Hindsight I guess. Nothing I can do about it now.

I am happy I have a DB Coaching session tonight.

Right now I am just playing a lot of the "what if" game in my head.

[sandi2]

Maybe once upon a time you pressured her into giving in to what you wanted. So now you have a hard time believing it won't work again. When you say you pushed too hard the last time, it sounds to me you knew at the time you were pushing but just didn't stop soon enough.

You really have to stop this kind of behavior. Nobody likes for another person to try to force them to do something. You probably never thought of it as force......more like trying to convince her.

She already knows how you feel. Do you really think it is necessary to go through it again? What if you just kept quite and listened to her? Not express your opinion or disagree with her, just listen without interrupting.

[gogofo]

You really have to stop this kind of behavior. Nobody likes for another person to try to force them to do something. You probably never thought of it as force......more like trying to convince her.

She already knows how you feel. Do you really think it is necessary to go through it again? What if you just kept quite and listened to her? Not express your opinion or disagree with her, just listen without interrupting.

No I never did see it as force, but I can see how it would feel that way to her.

I had been doing a good job at just listening and not interrupting. We had a deep talk about pros, cons, and wants in our relationship. She said she just did not know what to do about our us.

I feel she cares about me and possibly wants to love me again, she just does not know how.

During our talk I made a suggestion that I had some ideas if she was open to them. She said yes and then I described the fondness exercises and she agreed.

I put them off for the next Monday, this was Wednesday night, and we had a great next couple of days.

Then I can see how she could have felt forced by me. It forced her to review our past and brought us to where we are now, with papers signed.

When thinking about how she feels she may feel that it is the only way to get the anger and pain to stop.