I got a reply to my "thank you" email. It's mostly very, very good. And, I'm wondering if I need to just sit tight, or perhaps nudge the tiniest little bit, as an experiment.
Here ya go:
Thank you for writing this. It is quite eloquent, and even more brave.
If I had to characterize how it makes me feel, the answer is sad and happy. That you so clearly can capture the essence of what I felt (probably better than I ever articulated it) is somehow gratifying, but more saddening than anything else. No one wants to be unhappy or feel hopeless or drained. I don't think I recognized how much I felt that way, or the ways in which my own biases and instincts contributed to those feelings. And if I'm being honest, perhaps I'm still trying to pull myself out.
I appreciate the thanks you mention, and it's a generous thought to say you're grateful to me for the fact that you are happier now. But you did the work to get to that place. Not me. I'm very very happy that you feel differently about yourself and your life. Your happiness means a lot to me on a variety of levels, and I'm glad that even though there was a feeling of melancholy that accompanied the first part of your message, I was able to finish reading on a very high note -- one that brought a knowing smile to my face because I've had the occasion to see some of the changes.
Whoah. Good, right? Lots of good stuff: he's noticed changes in me. He thinks I'm brave. He's still unhappy, a year after leaving me (so, it's not ALL about me)
But... I was thinking of asking him why the fact that I can now understand how he felt and why he left is "so saddening" to him. What if I said, "I wanted to ask you a question-- and I understand if you don't want to give me your answer, but perhaps it is a question you can ask yourself: Instead of being "saddened" that I can now understand what happened, is it possible to see it in a different way?"
Should I just let this lie for a bit? He's so stuck in the mud. Or maybe he is just now in love with someone else. Can I please give MWD his phone number?!?!
First, congrats on that positive exchange. It does sound like you've made some changes to make you better and your life fabulous:-). That is awesome, my friend.
I'm going to ask you a question. Do you really want to say to your h "thanks for noticing my changes. Why does this make you sad? Do you still not think our m is worth fighting for? How can you not try?" I know you wouldn't send that although I have a feeling that's what's lurking below. But that is mind reading on my part.:-)
I say sit on it for a bit. What do you want to ask?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Just sit on it. His gears are turning. Silence on your end is going to work much better for you at this moment than anything else, i think.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Claire, would showing appreciation be a 180 for you (compared to pre-BD)? If so, you could send a simple reply that said thank you for taking the time to read and respond to your earlier email. I am having a lot of success over here just by being appreciative.
I would not ask him any questions at this point, or encourage him to see things differently. It will feel like criticism or pressure (or both). But I definitely understand wanting to respond!
patience. My lovely.