I made it.....mostly :)

[Underdog]

Mish,

I hope you take what I'm going to say in the spirit of love and concern, because it's meant that way.

Very few people get anything they want out of life. Daily survival is hard enough without putting the added stress of trying to reach some arbitrary goal.

Mish, this is absolutely not true. Period. They may not get everything. But what we get out of it is directly correlated to what we put into it. Period. These are the words of a severely depressed person. A person who cannot find joy in her own life because she's not been on the bandwagon of fixing what hurts. I think this is what keeps you from really working on your R with Gabe because you need to work on you first. What's the worst thing that could happen to address those wounds that seep out of your posts?

Everyone has bad stuff happen to them. Everyone. Pretty much everyone I know has had at least one life changing event happen as well. They are learning opportunities. We are not one dimensional beings. As Barb said, much of life is Plan B or even Plan X sometimes. And I'm going to use myself as an example here. This is stuff that very few people in my life know about me, and I've NEVER posted it. I share with my IC and people who know me intimately. But if it helps you, then I'm willing to open this wound. I've put it to bed with counseling and used it to propel me into the person I've become today.

In college I was date raped. It had very unfortunate consequences. I'm Catholic and I know how my faith community feels about them. But I had to follow what was in my own heart. It created a spiritual turmoil and made me feel "less than" for a really long time. I despised myself for putting myself in the position of making bad choices. I blamed others for leaving me behind. But I blamed myself for putting myself in the position to be taken advantage of.

The wounds were deep and very scarred. I still have a tough time trusting men. But I can't cast a net over every person with a penis because of the actions of one despicable individual. I work at it. Furthermore, at the time this was going on (I was 19), my faith definitely was faltering. I was a judgmental person. I saw things in absolutes - black and white with little options for gray, let alone hues of gray along the spectrum. I was harsh and condemning. And this one event was a pivotal, life altering event that changed my life forever. For the good. And I can say this with 100% certainty.

I focus not on the event, but what it forced me to see. What it forced me to become. I became a more compassionate person. A better friend. A more humble daughter and sister. And I learned to love me, wholly and completely - with all my flaws and despite some of the choices I had made. And I resolved to make better choices from that day forward. I have NEVER looked back.

I still have my diary for when I was going through that time. It's no longer heart wrenching. I feel detached from that 19 year old girl who felt those awful things. I look at her now as a sad person who morphed into something so much better. I forgive her and offer her my compassion now.

And the best part of this one is the message I carry with my D20. I've taught her responsibility, owning up to personal failures with compassion and strength. And I've counseled her friends as well. Her BFF transferred schools back home, she house sits for me when I travel and she tells me stuff that she can't tell her own mom. It's made me a better listener and friend in that regard too.

We are a sum of all those parts, Mish. It's not your job to figure out what Marc should do to find his passion in life. And just maybe he's watching YOU to see how he should approach his life. You might want to consider how he sees you tackling your own missteps and failings. Offer him the courage and strength to do the soul searching.

He may end up living with me forever but is that really so bad?

Mish, yes, it IS bad. It's bad for him. We raise our children to become independent, to be the people they are meant to be, the men they are to become. It's the way of things. When you leave this mortal coil, he needs to know that he's independent of you. His failings are not yours and vice versa. You and Gabe need to support him in his next move by encouraging him to seek some guidance from someone qualified to help him. And in the meantime, you show him what it's like to fix what hurts by taking care of yourself.

(((((Mish)))))

I hope you can find the hope and joy you so desperately need. It's out there, but you have to believe you are deserving. None of us can do that work for you, though.

Love, Betsey